Thursday, May 5, 2011

Blog Failure 2009

Seeing this shows me just how "wrong" I had it. The last entry before I gave up on that blog, was May 2009. From there, I went on to gain more weight. By the time I went on my first cruise in November 2009, my weight fluctuated (daily!) between 278-283 pounds. On any given day!

Friday, May 1, 2009


So if I was starting to lose weight, yesterday might have set me back just a bit. I weighed myself earlier in the day and it was still at 274. Which (as awful as that weight is) - it's great that I hadn't gone UP. Especially because I was weighing myself mid-day, when I tend to weigh the most for some reason (usually been weighing myself at night, clothes off, etc).

I had a bad night last night. I ended up eating quite a bit. Probably a food-rampage of sorts. :( Hopefully it doesn't mess me up too much. But I'm not going to weigh myself for a few days, so that if I did put on a pound or two - I am giving myself a day or two to lose it!

Saturday, April 25, 2009

"1 more pound?"
Weight as of today: 274

.... is this for real? Am I really starting to lose this fast? One can hope.... and pray... and cross fingers and toes!!!

Friday, April 24, 2009

"And the braces are in.... one pound down!!"

I got my braces yesterday morning. They hurt like hell!!! But I'm hoping that it will be worthwhile - not just for my smile, but for my waistline too! I'm down one more pound, so a staggering 275 pounds is my current weight.

Seriously, at this rate, I don't see how I won't lose weight. I have clear braces on the top - I was told that using condiments like mustard, ketchup - can stain my bands (around the braces) - which would defeat the whole purpose of getting clear braces on top!! So that cuts out enjoying a ton of foods...

I cannot bite into things. That eliminates even more.

RIGHT NOW, I can barely chew! So that eliminates most things!!

Not to mention, the upkeep with braces is hard enough without having to pick SO much stuff out of your teeth. We'll see how I'm doing in 2 weeks or so - if I've lost anymore weight or not.

Current weight: 275

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

"Spacers Hurt!"

Well, here is some new news:
I'm getting braces!! Tomorrow morning I go in for the actual braces. For the past week, I have had the spacers in. Man, do they hurt!!! I have NO tolerance for pain whatsoever so this has been agony for me.

But on a positive note! I've dropped 2 pounds (gone, gone) and!!!----- my nails are growing! I've actually got nails growing! I never have nails - always bite them off. Nope, as I'm tip-tapping away at the keyboard, I can feel NAILS. I can't wait for them to grow even more and my hands start to look semi-pretty.

So now here's a good question that I will eventually find the answer to:

We shall see. I am hopeful!!! And I'm supposed to have them on for 12-18 months. So we shall see......

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Feeling Bloated, 277.5 pounds. WTF.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

"Stupid scale"

So apparently my scale was off by about 10 pounds. Figures, lol. When it seems too good to be true, it usually is, right!? LOL.

Ok, so I don't know if my scale has finally *had it* and decided to crap out on me or what? But I weighed myself today and I am currently at 261.5! Hardly something to brag about but IF that's my true number, then I've lost a few pounds between when I wrote this and now! That would be encouraging. I still don't think it's right. But maybe? That would be nice. We'll see. But for today, my scale tells me I'm 261.5. Hmmm..... "girl scout cookie diet...." HMMMM..... lol.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009


Girl Scouts are evil! Well ok, maybe they aren't, but their cookies are.

But mmm, they are soooo good.

I should not even be talking about them here, but I can't resist. My favorite is the Samoa. I used to be mad that they only come out once a year. But now I'm thankful - because if they were around all year, that would easily put me over the edge and into the role of "too fat to get out of bed!"

Samoas....mmmm.... a lil' piece of heaven for me.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

"I'll have some salad, diet coke... oh, and 4 slices of pizza too!"

Ugh, what a bad day in regards to "losing weight." Yeah, 4 slices of stuffed crust hawaiian Pizza Hut pizza is NOT going to help me do that. The fact that I had a salad and a diet coke doesn't really help balance that I had pizza, does it?! lol.

TONIGHT, I HEREBY DECLARE, that I AM SWEARING OFF ORDERING PIZZA!!!! PIZZA WILL NOT BE ALLOWED IN MY HOUSE! I MEAN IT! (And since I wrote it here, that's gotta mean something, right!?)

My husband and I have made that promise to one another. We will not tempt one another to eat pizza. Whether we crave it or not - it's not going to happen.

Pizza was a main food source in college. Before college, I wasn't even fond of the stuff! If I had a slice, that was enough for me. Then in college, it went up to 2 slices. Then 3 by junior year. By senior year, I could eat half a pizza and my boyfriend (who is now my husband) could eat the other 4. Yeah, it was BAD. I "credit" pizza for helping me gain weight.

Pizza is also the cause of a gallbladder attack that sent me "over the edge" - sent me to the ER and I needed to have a cholesystectomy (aka: gallbladder was removed). I should know that pizza is poisonous to me!

So I completely realized something else today. I'd seen it before, of course, but just hadn't really noticed until I had my husband take a picture of me because in a few days - I'm going to get my hair done and I wanted a "before" picture.

I will NEVER show that before (or probably the "after") picture.

I have MOON FACE. My face is completely rounded. And when I smile, my eyes seem to disappear into my fat face. I was once a good looking face. I even liked the way my face (never my body, I was always self-conscious) - looked in pictures. Even up to a few years ago, my face wasn't awful in pictures. Now it looks like the moon. Minus the craters, but I wouldn't go as far to say I'll never get them... because that's just my luck.

What else did I discover today? Oh, that if I sit down in front of people (which I had to do today) - if I don't have a pillow covering my front, I feel completely vulnerable. Not that the pillow is really hiding what's underneath, but for some reason, I felt that the pillow was my security today.

Ugh. I am rambling again. That's all I do... ramble. On and on and on!! Oh well, this is for me... not for anybody else. Although if you somehow stumble upon this.... and SOMEHOW find this interesting.. then that's fine. Maybe it's for you too. But primarily, I write for myself.

Enough with the rambling tonight.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

...And almost a year later....

And almost a year later, here I sit - on my still very large fat ass. I haven't done ANYTHING since I wrote that blog. Can I use the excuse I was on ambien when I wrote that blog? Ok, didn't think so.

I've ballooned even more since April. 278 was my weight a week ago. I'm currently at 275.5. I hardly consider 2.5 pounds any sort of weight loss, so I'm not even going to say I'm "down" to 275.5. How did this happen? No really - how did this happen? Besides the obvious answers... I have to ask myself, how could someone let themselves get to this size? HOW!?

I often wondered how people who were fat could live like that. I used to say to myself "Just put down the damn burger and get yourself a salad!" That takes a little something called will power - something that people who are hugely obese simply do not have. At least, I speak for myself, and I do not have willpower. Which is how I have found myself in this situation, essentially.

Almost a year later and I am UP in weight!? WTF is up with that!? Wasn't I supposed to be like, 50 pounds lighter by now!? With all that hard work and dedication I was going to put forth?


Willpower. No willpower.

Let me add something to the list of things that go wrong when you are enormously fat:
--- Your KNEES start to go bad.

This is one of those things that makes perfect sense. Of course your knees are bound to go bad after years of carrying around extra pounds. But I never thought it would happen to me (just as I thought getting this large would ever happen to me!!). But now I find that getting on my knees to do anything (get your mind out of the gutter, I mean LOOKING for things under couches, etc) - hurts like hell. It feels like I cracked my knee cap, and everytime I get on my knee the cracks get larger and spread out more.

So as a result, I have now resorted to asking my 4 year old son to look under the couch for me. I can still bend down and pick things up - but what, is that next!?

NO, I cannot let it be next!

Please GOD... please, anybody that has an extra prayer - please help me. I need help so bad. I know I've gotten myself into this mess, but I will do anything to get myself out of this mess!

Being fat, and staying fat, is a vicious cycle. It's a very difficult one to break. It's not as easy as "putting down the burger" - really, it's not. It might have been 100 pounds ago. But it's not that easy anymore.

So far I've done a few things that I am proud of (as little as it may sound to you, it's a big deal for me!)
1. No more ambien snacking. Anybody who takes ambien knows what I mean. I put locks on things now, and if I find that I MUST snack on something, it's only going to be a snack bag of carrots or a cucumber. Of course, if I can stick to this during the day, that would be great. But for now, I'm working the late-night snacking.

2. No more coca-cola! Coke is my addiction. I love it, and I need the caffeine. I've switched to diet coke, and I refuse to let any "regular" coke into my house again!! You figure a can of coke is 140 calories, and that's what, 16 oz? I can drink like 4 or 5 in a day. Now it's down to 0 calories. SO I'm saving myself a number of calories!

Ok, that's it for now.

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