Thursday, May 5, 2011

Blog failure 2008

I attempted to keep a blog in the past. Here is the very first entry:

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Let's start with the basics. I'm 27. And I'm 5'3. I'm married. I have two children. And I'm fat. Disgustingly, ridiculously fat. This is going to be my first of hopefully many entries. I hope I am not so lazy and quit. It's so easy to quit. But I've had it. I need to fight the good fight and get my fat ass slimmer. If for nothing else, I need to be able to comfortably wipe my own ass again. Yes, that's right. Wiping my own ass is uncomfortable. Don't get me wrong - the job gets done, and thoroughly! - - it's just not as easy and effortless as it used to be.

We all take things for granted when we are a "normal" size. I remember being a normal, healthy size. I've somehow ballooned into this disgusting blob that I dread looking at in the mirror. I used to be a mirror whore. I loved looking at myself in the mirror because if I had nothing else, I had a pretty face. Now I have a double chin, a big fat neck, and somehow my teeth don't look as pretty and apparent as they used to be. Why is that? Oh, that's right - because my cheeks are huge, which offset the size of my teeth, therefore making my mouth look smaller (ironically).

Anyway, I ramble. But I don't care. This is my blog. And really, it's for ME. So if you don't like it, don't read it. But I guess this is public, so if you choose to read it... then whatever.

So some things that I notice about being fat, that really bother and/or disgust me and/or bother me.
1. I've realized that if I fall, I may very well break many bones and or even DIE because of all the weight I carry.
2. I have back/neck/shoulder problems that are of unknown origin. I'm currently having it "investigated" (doctor appointment in a few weeks for an MRI) but really, it all comes down to: MY BODY can't handle all this lard!
3. I can't wipe my ass easily anymore, as mentioned in the beginning lol.
4. I can't chase after my children - which bothers me more than words can say.
5. Because I can't chase after my children, I get looks. THOSE bother me more than words can say, especially because I feel so ashamed as it is.
6. Because of the portion sizes I've eaten, my stomach has grown - a lot. I can out-eat probably more than half the population. And that's NOT something to brag about.
7. I won't post pictures of myself anymore because I'm really, really disgusting.
8. Nothing ANYBODY says, including my husband, can make me feel good about myself.
9. I avoid mirrors now - how awful is that!? I never imagined a world where I'd avoid them!
10. I realize that my fat ass probably won't fit on roller coasters anymore. I love roller coasters. I don't even want to try to go on now.
11. I don't want to go to the beach. It's hot. And I'll get harpooned or comments will be made about me.
12. I can't stand with my feet pointed straight anymore. What the fuck is that about!?!? Fat legs. I want to puke.
13. I always feel swollen. Like literally. Sometimes I'll wake up with my weddings rings feeling too tight. How do you swell in the middle of the night? Do I have heart failure!? Yeah, I've become paranoid since being fat. But hey, it's a possibility. Sedentary lifestyle accompanied by being really fat can't be a good combination!
14. I dread shopping. I won't shop unless something gets a hole in it or actually rips. I've gone from looking normal to looking like trash.
15. I don't like going anywhere that teenagers go (movies, bowling, etc). Teenagers are the most outwardly cruel individuals out there. I should know - I was one once. And I was very observant of those around me. And I was a snot. What goes around comes around, that's for sure!
16. When did it become a necessity to get a table instead of a booth? Or if they try to seat us at a booth, I get nervous because I'm scared I won't fit!?!?!

I could go on and on. And maybe I will. But in the meantime, I've decided to do something about it. Finally. And I'm GOING to do it, even if it kills me. Since lap-band surgery is simply not an option due to cost restrictions - I'm going to have to do it the old fashioned way - hard work and dedication!!! I'm still a little clueless as to how I'm going to do it, but I've got a few tools. I just need to figure out how to properly utilize them.

My "inventory" includes:
Alli - my new "ally" I hope. I haven't taken it yet though.
A kitchen scale
Weight Watchers books courtesy of my sister who never used them (but never really needed them anyway).

So wish me luck. Or follow my progress. Or keep moving on. Whatever. This is my life. And it's going to change.

CURRENT WEIGHT AS OF 4/30/2008: 258 disgusting pounds!!!!!!!!!!!!

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