Saturday, May 28, 2011

You Don't Have to Exercise to Lose Weight

Ha, I know that title is controversial.... but by the end of this, I hope it makes more sense.

There are a million +1 ways to lose weight. There are a million and one fad diets out there. There are countless ways people have lost weight.

I am a true believer that it is not (necessarily) HOW you lose the weight, but what you do once you lose the weight.

Because what works for some might not work for others. What works for me might not work for you. What works for you might never work for me. So you have to do what works for you (within healthy limits of course - no destructive behaviors!)

When I was 278 pounds, and even well before that, I was constantly told by my mother to "just start exercising. Start small, work your way up."

"Just go for a walk...."

And for some people, it really is *that* easy. But for me, it wasn't. Every pound I gained made it harder and more difficult to do things that others take for granted.

I tried my mother's advice several times. I just "went for a walk".... in Florida, in the 90 degree heat and humidity. And I can tell you that the times I went, I was beyond miserable. Not just during, but after. I swelled and bloated horribly. My body ached. My feet hurt, my back hurt, my legs hurt.... everything hurt. Just from a simple walk. I felt sweaty, disgusting, and out of breath. To me, this was pretty darn close to torture.

I have seen  firsthand that the ends don't  justify the means for all people. I have a friend who has been morbidly obese pretty much her entire life. She started exercising regularly in 2009, and I can tell you that she is probably in better physical shape than I am. She can likely run faster and longer than I can, and she can probably beat me at a lot of things. But... in 2 years, she has only lost about 25 pounds.

.....She still has about 125 to go!

So at that rate, does that mean that her weight loss will take 10 more years?

YES it does. If she continues in exactly the manner she is.... it will take her about 10 years (or more!) to take off that extra 125 pounds.

That is a LONG, LONG time when you are talking about your LIFE. It's an entire decade.

I have heard the argument "Well slow and steady is likely to have the bigger payoff of never putting the weight back on."

***NOT TRUE.***

It is simply NOT true. And anyone who believes that is fooling themselves.

That same friend I told you about? She broke up with her boyfriend 2 months ago. She has put back on 5 pounds of emotional eating. And if she continues this way, she will be right back where she was 2 years ago... or even heavier.

What keeps the weight off.... for people who take it off quickly or slowly... is the dedication AFTER the weight loss to keep up the healthier habits and lifestyle changes. THAT'S the key difference.

And that is where I know my true battle begins. Because so far, honestly, losing weight has been relatively easy. A lot easier than I thought, anyway!

Anyway going back to my own situation.... at 278 pounds, just going for a walk was a form of torture. So I opted for the diet route. I went to a doctor because I knew something like "Weight Watchers" would not work for me - I lacked willpower and I needed something a little more strict... at least initially. I knew what my strengths and weaknesses were, and a points system and going to group meetinsg was just not something I felt was right for me.

So far, I have had tremendous success with the medically supervised weight loss program I am on. To go from 268 pounds when I walked through the door November 9, to 177 pounds at my last weigh in... is pretty darn good! In under 7 months I have succeeded at shedding a LOT of weight.

And as I have decreased in size, my energy and my ability to do things has increased exponentially. Walking is NO problem. Heck, even running (albeit short distances) is NO problem. Being out in the heat is much less of a problem. I have mobility again. I didn't realize how much my mobility was being limited until the weight came off and I could do things I didn't realize I had lost the ability to do!

I admit I still struggle with my old ways. I became very sedentary and I still find myself having to push myself to get out the door and do something, but I DO it. Because though the old habit still lingers, the energy and mobility is the key difference. I actually have energy to do these things, and the mobility which makes it easy!!

While I still don't have a set exercise routine, I am taking steps every single day to increase my fitness level. And my husband pointed out to me, that even though I don't have a set exercise routine - I am now literally *chasing* after 3 kids... whereas prior to losing the weight I was only watching my 3 kids. So they do keep me busy.

But anyway, this post is long enough. I just want to put that out there for anyone who might be struggling with weight... or might be hesitating because the thought of running on a treadmill is exhausting.

There are many options out there. Do what works best for you and your situation. Nobody can tell you what that is. But whatever you do, make sure it is something you can stick to long-term, and resort back to if needed once your have achieved your weight loss goal.

Slow and steady may win the race for some, but others win their races by determination and going as fast and furious as they can. I don't believe there either of these methods is the wrong way. But you just have to go with the method that will work best for YOU.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Breaking up

So I went back to Sears today and I bought those size 10 shorts! I also bought the size 12 shorts, and will be wearing them until I feel a little more comfortable wearing a 10.

After a quick shop at Sears, I ventured down the mall a bit. I saw my old familiar "friend."  Except.... things weren't the same anymore. We didn't fit together anymore.

I'm sorry, Lane Bryant....

but our relationship is officially OVER.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

A 10!? NO. WAY!!

So in late March, the weather was starting to get warmer (above 80).... so I needed to buy shorts. I've always been a jeans-and-tee-shirt kind of gal. And for years, I never wore shorts. EVER. When I reached my heaviest weight, I HAD to wear shorts because I could not stand the heat. I had NO tolerance whatsoever and even though I hated how my legs looked in shorts, I got to a point where I stopped caring about what others thought.

Anyway I had no shorts that fit me anymore. The shorts I wore in 2009 ranged between size 26W/28W and size 30W/32W. Most of 2010 was spent pregnant, and I owned a pair of 3X maternity shorts from Motherhood Maternity (I loved those by the way). So when I went to Sears, I tried on a 16. Not a 16W, but a 16. A regular "16." I was thrilled that they fit! I was ecstatic! I bought them.

2 months later, and a size "16" is falling off my butt!! Literally. I had to run after the post-lady the other day because I missed her and she was down the road. As I was wogging (walking and jogging combo .... yes, I created my own word lol) I had to pull up my pants and hold them up because they kept sagging off.

So today, I decided to venture to Sears again because their Levi shorts are currently on sale for $17.99. I love the Levi shorts I bought 2 months ago - I loved that they weren't long like bermuda shorts (which don't do me any favors in my quest to look "good!") and they weren't up-your-butt short. They're called mid-rise and they're the best ever!

Since I'm not sure what size I am, I picked up a 14P, 14, 12, 12P, and a 10.

.... Even writing that above sentence ... I still can't believe that I am the one writing this. Even in high school.... I was never below an 11. Junior sizes run differently so I was always between an 11 and a 13, but 9 out of 10 times I was a 13. When I started college, that's when I jumped from the 13 juniors to a 14 in Women's. At my smallest, I was an 11. And that was a very brief period of time.

Anyway so I get into the dressing room. The 14's were too big (though the 14P still didn't fit! I don't get it!?) So I tried on the 12's (forget the 12P) - and the 12 is very comfortable with plenty of room (most people would consider it to be too much room, but for me, wearing things big keeps me comfortable).

I looked at the 10's and thought "No way.... is it even possible?"

And I was shocked that not only is it possible, but it's real! I am a size 10! At least in the Levi's mid-rise 515 shorts! I think for now I'll still opt for the 12's, but to be able to fit into a 10.... are you kidding!? There was a period of time, NOT long ago at all, that I'd be hard-pressed to find a size 10 to fit around my LEG, let alone around my waist!!!!!

Levi's 515 Shorts, mid-rise

I decided to buy the size 10 and size 12. I also bought a sports bra to wear around the house because it's comfortable. My total came to just over $50. Right before I was about to swipe my card, I saw a flier to the left of me that said if I spend $50 or more on apparel TOMORROW, I can get a $10 gift card back (and the sale prices of today would still be valid tomorrow). UGH!!!

Needless to say, I am going to be heading back there tomorrow. I'm keeping my fingers crossed the shorts I wanted to buy are still there, because those were the only two I could find in "my" sizes!

And I'll end with a random vent: Why is it, that no matter WHAT size you are, it is always impossible to find clothes in your size!? If you're at the store, it is inevitable that the size you are looking for will be the only one NOT on the rack. I swear there is a conspiracy, LOL. (I kid).

Friday, May 6, 2011

A great day

Yesterday we took the kids to Busch Gardens after school. It was a perfect day for it! Sunny, not too humid, and the crowds weren't bad at all!

There was a time.... not too long ago, that I was scared I wouldn't be able to fit on "adult" rides.... let alone any children's rides!

There is an area in Busch Gardens called Jungala. It is where they house their tiger exhibits, and also a fun little area with splash pads, rope-courses, and two rides. One of those rides is "Jungle Flyers." The Busch Gardens website description states: "Young adventurers soar through the sky on this multi-level zip line with three different flight patterns above the tree tops."

This ride is intended for children age 13 and under - however, an adult may ride if accompanied by a child that fits the requirements. Even though the flyers are only a 1-person seat, two are launched together.

Please note this line:

Just a few months ago, I would not have been able to ride this ride with my son. He was thrilled when I said "Let's go!"

It was even more thrilling for me. So many people may not even give that line a second thought, but someone of size... or someone previously of size, this line means a lot.

For me to not have to worry that my weight was going to stop me from enjoying something with my son.... was an indescribable feeling! It felt even better when... just to be sure, I asked the attendant whether I could ride or not, and he scoffed and said "Of course!" When I looked at him sheepishly and said "Are you sure I'm not too big?," it felt amazing when he looked at me like I was crazy and said "You're not even near the weight limit! Hop on!!"

I did! And we "flew" several times, since there was no line! My son had a blast! And so did I. :)

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Blog Failure 2009

Seeing this shows me just how "wrong" I had it. The last entry before I gave up on that blog, was May 2009. From there, I went on to gain more weight. By the time I went on my first cruise in November 2009, my weight fluctuated (daily!) between 278-283 pounds. On any given day!

Friday, May 1, 2009


So if I was starting to lose weight, yesterday might have set me back just a bit. I weighed myself earlier in the day and it was still at 274. Which (as awful as that weight is) - it's great that I hadn't gone UP. Especially because I was weighing myself mid-day, when I tend to weigh the most for some reason (usually been weighing myself at night, clothes off, etc).

I had a bad night last night. I ended up eating quite a bit. Probably a food-rampage of sorts. :( Hopefully it doesn't mess me up too much. But I'm not going to weigh myself for a few days, so that if I did put on a pound or two - I am giving myself a day or two to lose it!

Saturday, April 25, 2009

"1 more pound?"
Weight as of today: 274

.... is this for real? Am I really starting to lose this fast? One can hope.... and pray... and cross fingers and toes!!!

Friday, April 24, 2009

"And the braces are in.... one pound down!!"

I got my braces yesterday morning. They hurt like hell!!! But I'm hoping that it will be worthwhile - not just for my smile, but for my waistline too! I'm down one more pound, so a staggering 275 pounds is my current weight.

Seriously, at this rate, I don't see how I won't lose weight. I have clear braces on the top - I was told that using condiments like mustard, ketchup - can stain my bands (around the braces) - which would defeat the whole purpose of getting clear braces on top!! So that cuts out enjoying a ton of foods...

I cannot bite into things. That eliminates even more.

RIGHT NOW, I can barely chew! So that eliminates most things!!

Not to mention, the upkeep with braces is hard enough without having to pick SO much stuff out of your teeth. We'll see how I'm doing in 2 weeks or so - if I've lost anymore weight or not.

Current weight: 275

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

"Spacers Hurt!"

Well, here is some new news:
I'm getting braces!! Tomorrow morning I go in for the actual braces. For the past week, I have had the spacers in. Man, do they hurt!!! I have NO tolerance for pain whatsoever so this has been agony for me.

But on a positive note! I've dropped 2 pounds (gone, gone) and!!!----- my nails are growing! I've actually got nails growing! I never have nails - always bite them off. Nope, as I'm tip-tapping away at the keyboard, I can feel NAILS. I can't wait for them to grow even more and my hands start to look semi-pretty.

So now here's a good question that I will eventually find the answer to:

We shall see. I am hopeful!!! And I'm supposed to have them on for 12-18 months. So we shall see......

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Feeling Bloated, 277.5 pounds. WTF.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

"Stupid scale"

So apparently my scale was off by about 10 pounds. Figures, lol. When it seems too good to be true, it usually is, right!? LOL.

Ok, so I don't know if my scale has finally *had it* and decided to crap out on me or what? But I weighed myself today and I am currently at 261.5! Hardly something to brag about but IF that's my true number, then I've lost a few pounds between when I wrote this and now! That would be encouraging. I still don't think it's right. But maybe? That would be nice. We'll see. But for today, my scale tells me I'm 261.5. Hmmm..... "girl scout cookie diet...." HMMMM..... lol.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009


Girl Scouts are evil! Well ok, maybe they aren't, but their cookies are.

But mmm, they are soooo good.

I should not even be talking about them here, but I can't resist. My favorite is the Samoa. I used to be mad that they only come out once a year. But now I'm thankful - because if they were around all year, that would easily put me over the edge and into the role of "too fat to get out of bed!"

Samoas....mmmm.... a lil' piece of heaven for me.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

"I'll have some salad, diet coke... oh, and 4 slices of pizza too!"

Ugh, what a bad day in regards to "losing weight." Yeah, 4 slices of stuffed crust hawaiian Pizza Hut pizza is NOT going to help me do that. The fact that I had a salad and a diet coke doesn't really help balance that I had pizza, does it?! lol.

TONIGHT, I HEREBY DECLARE, that I AM SWEARING OFF ORDERING PIZZA!!!! PIZZA WILL NOT BE ALLOWED IN MY HOUSE! I MEAN IT! (And since I wrote it here, that's gotta mean something, right!?)

My husband and I have made that promise to one another. We will not tempt one another to eat pizza. Whether we crave it or not - it's not going to happen.

Pizza was a main food source in college. Before college, I wasn't even fond of the stuff! If I had a slice, that was enough for me. Then in college, it went up to 2 slices. Then 3 by junior year. By senior year, I could eat half a pizza and my boyfriend (who is now my husband) could eat the other 4. Yeah, it was BAD. I "credit" pizza for helping me gain weight.

Pizza is also the cause of a gallbladder attack that sent me "over the edge" - sent me to the ER and I needed to have a cholesystectomy (aka: gallbladder was removed). I should know that pizza is poisonous to me!

So I completely realized something else today. I'd seen it before, of course, but just hadn't really noticed until I had my husband take a picture of me because in a few days - I'm going to get my hair done and I wanted a "before" picture.

I will NEVER show that before (or probably the "after") picture.

I have MOON FACE. My face is completely rounded. And when I smile, my eyes seem to disappear into my fat face. I was once a good looking face. I even liked the way my face (never my body, I was always self-conscious) - looked in pictures. Even up to a few years ago, my face wasn't awful in pictures. Now it looks like the moon. Minus the craters, but I wouldn't go as far to say I'll never get them... because that's just my luck.

What else did I discover today? Oh, that if I sit down in front of people (which I had to do today) - if I don't have a pillow covering my front, I feel completely vulnerable. Not that the pillow is really hiding what's underneath, but for some reason, I felt that the pillow was my security today.

Ugh. I am rambling again. That's all I do... ramble. On and on and on!! Oh well, this is for me... not for anybody else. Although if you somehow stumble upon this.... and SOMEHOW find this interesting.. then that's fine. Maybe it's for you too. But primarily, I write for myself.

Enough with the rambling tonight.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

...And almost a year later....

And almost a year later, here I sit - on my still very large fat ass. I haven't done ANYTHING since I wrote that blog. Can I use the excuse I was on ambien when I wrote that blog? Ok, didn't think so.

I've ballooned even more since April. 278 was my weight a week ago. I'm currently at 275.5. I hardly consider 2.5 pounds any sort of weight loss, so I'm not even going to say I'm "down" to 275.5. How did this happen? No really - how did this happen? Besides the obvious answers... I have to ask myself, how could someone let themselves get to this size? HOW!?

I often wondered how people who were fat could live like that. I used to say to myself "Just put down the damn burger and get yourself a salad!" That takes a little something called will power - something that people who are hugely obese simply do not have. At least, I speak for myself, and I do not have willpower. Which is how I have found myself in this situation, essentially.

Almost a year later and I am UP in weight!? WTF is up with that!? Wasn't I supposed to be like, 50 pounds lighter by now!? With all that hard work and dedication I was going to put forth?


Willpower. No willpower.

Let me add something to the list of things that go wrong when you are enormously fat:
--- Your KNEES start to go bad.

This is one of those things that makes perfect sense. Of course your knees are bound to go bad after years of carrying around extra pounds. But I never thought it would happen to me (just as I thought getting this large would ever happen to me!!). But now I find that getting on my knees to do anything (get your mind out of the gutter, I mean LOOKING for things under couches, etc) - hurts like hell. It feels like I cracked my knee cap, and everytime I get on my knee the cracks get larger and spread out more.

So as a result, I have now resorted to asking my 4 year old son to look under the couch for me. I can still bend down and pick things up - but what, is that next!?

NO, I cannot let it be next!

Please GOD... please, anybody that has an extra prayer - please help me. I need help so bad. I know I've gotten myself into this mess, but I will do anything to get myself out of this mess!

Being fat, and staying fat, is a vicious cycle. It's a very difficult one to break. It's not as easy as "putting down the burger" - really, it's not. It might have been 100 pounds ago. But it's not that easy anymore.

So far I've done a few things that I am proud of (as little as it may sound to you, it's a big deal for me!)
1. No more ambien snacking. Anybody who takes ambien knows what I mean. I put locks on things now, and if I find that I MUST snack on something, it's only going to be a snack bag of carrots or a cucumber. Of course, if I can stick to this during the day, that would be great. But for now, I'm working the late-night snacking.

2. No more coca-cola! Coke is my addiction. I love it, and I need the caffeine. I've switched to diet coke, and I refuse to let any "regular" coke into my house again!! You figure a can of coke is 140 calories, and that's what, 16 oz? I can drink like 4 or 5 in a day. Now it's down to 0 calories. SO I'm saving myself a number of calories!

Ok, that's it for now.

Blog failure 2008

I attempted to keep a blog in the past. Here is the very first entry:

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Let's start with the basics. I'm 27. And I'm 5'3. I'm married. I have two children. And I'm fat. Disgustingly, ridiculously fat. This is going to be my first of hopefully many entries. I hope I am not so lazy and quit. It's so easy to quit. But I've had it. I need to fight the good fight and get my fat ass slimmer. If for nothing else, I need to be able to comfortably wipe my own ass again. Yes, that's right. Wiping my own ass is uncomfortable. Don't get me wrong - the job gets done, and thoroughly! - - it's just not as easy and effortless as it used to be.

We all take things for granted when we are a "normal" size. I remember being a normal, healthy size. I've somehow ballooned into this disgusting blob that I dread looking at in the mirror. I used to be a mirror whore. I loved looking at myself in the mirror because if I had nothing else, I had a pretty face. Now I have a double chin, a big fat neck, and somehow my teeth don't look as pretty and apparent as they used to be. Why is that? Oh, that's right - because my cheeks are huge, which offset the size of my teeth, therefore making my mouth look smaller (ironically).

Anyway, I ramble. But I don't care. This is my blog. And really, it's for ME. So if you don't like it, don't read it. But I guess this is public, so if you choose to read it... then whatever.

So some things that I notice about being fat, that really bother and/or disgust me and/or bother me.
1. I've realized that if I fall, I may very well break many bones and or even DIE because of all the weight I carry.
2. I have back/neck/shoulder problems that are of unknown origin. I'm currently having it "investigated" (doctor appointment in a few weeks for an MRI) but really, it all comes down to: MY BODY can't handle all this lard!
3. I can't wipe my ass easily anymore, as mentioned in the beginning lol.
4. I can't chase after my children - which bothers me more than words can say.
5. Because I can't chase after my children, I get looks. THOSE bother me more than words can say, especially because I feel so ashamed as it is.
6. Because of the portion sizes I've eaten, my stomach has grown - a lot. I can out-eat probably more than half the population. And that's NOT something to brag about.
7. I won't post pictures of myself anymore because I'm really, really disgusting.
8. Nothing ANYBODY says, including my husband, can make me feel good about myself.
9. I avoid mirrors now - how awful is that!? I never imagined a world where I'd avoid them!
10. I realize that my fat ass probably won't fit on roller coasters anymore. I love roller coasters. I don't even want to try to go on now.
11. I don't want to go to the beach. It's hot. And I'll get harpooned or comments will be made about me.
12. I can't stand with my feet pointed straight anymore. What the fuck is that about!?!? Fat legs. I want to puke.
13. I always feel swollen. Like literally. Sometimes I'll wake up with my weddings rings feeling too tight. How do you swell in the middle of the night? Do I have heart failure!? Yeah, I've become paranoid since being fat. But hey, it's a possibility. Sedentary lifestyle accompanied by being really fat can't be a good combination!
14. I dread shopping. I won't shop unless something gets a hole in it or actually rips. I've gone from looking normal to looking like trash.
15. I don't like going anywhere that teenagers go (movies, bowling, etc). Teenagers are the most outwardly cruel individuals out there. I should know - I was one once. And I was very observant of those around me. And I was a snot. What goes around comes around, that's for sure!
16. When did it become a necessity to get a table instead of a booth? Or if they try to seat us at a booth, I get nervous because I'm scared I won't fit!?!?!

I could go on and on. And maybe I will. But in the meantime, I've decided to do something about it. Finally. And I'm GOING to do it, even if it kills me. Since lap-band surgery is simply not an option due to cost restrictions - I'm going to have to do it the old fashioned way - hard work and dedication!!! I'm still a little clueless as to how I'm going to do it, but I've got a few tools. I just need to figure out how to properly utilize them.

My "inventory" includes:
Alli - my new "ally" I hope. I haven't taken it yet though.
A kitchen scale
Weight Watchers books courtesy of my sister who never used them (but never really needed them anyway).

So wish me luck. Or follow my progress. Or keep moving on. Whatever. This is my life. And it's going to change.

CURRENT WEIGHT AS OF 4/30/2008: 258 disgusting pounds!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, May 1, 2011

The purpose of this blog?

I'm not really sure that I have a precise purpose.... I guess this is the modern day version of a diary... except... instead of just you viewing it (and your sneaky family)... this "diary" is open to the entire world... if you allow it to be.

So I guess the main focus of this blog will be my weight struggles and triumphs. But keep in mind... I am not solely defined by the number on the scale.

I am a 30 year old woman, living my life! I am happily married. I have three wonderful, beautiful children. There's a lot more to me than just the number on the scale! So there might be posts that have nothing at all to do with weight!... but for the most part, I will try to stick to the subject... or at least relate the subject in one way or another.

Ok, so backtracking for a minute: How in the heck did I suddenly become a "30 year old woman?" I vividly remember thinking 30 was "getting old." I was in my teens. The days seemed much, much longer at 15 than they do now.

But anyway....

It is my intention that this blog be primarily focused on my weight.

Oh, how narcissistic of me! =X

So there you have it, folks!

The Dreaded First Post

So here it is. The beginning.
Ok, I have stared at that first line for about 10 minutes now, not sure where to go from here? So I'll just start this in my usual way: rambling. This is when I start typing, much in the way I talk in real life.... and whether I am redundant, or whether it makes sense or not.... it doesn't matter because at least the keys are clacking away and I'm doing something with my time instead of staring at the screen!

So I am attempting a blog - again - and hoping that this time, I can actually stick to writing in it.