Friend Makin' Tuesday

Yesterday was a crazy day; my boys started school! So I didn't have time to partake in the "Friend Makin Monday" post ON Monday, but better late than never, so I am doing it now, Tuesday morning. I am feeling pretty good about the school year; I think the routine and schedule will be VERY good for me. I really do believe that part of the reason I haven't had a grasp on time (and it keeps flying) is because I haven't had any sort of set schedule. I think I need that.

Kenlie over at All The Weigh started the Friend Makin' Monday posts, and I think they are great!

If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section here at: www.alltheweigh.com so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!

FMM: The Last Thing

1) What is the title of the last book you read?  "500 Things to Do With Your Children Before They Grow Up"
2) What is the last movie you saw in a theater? Bridesmaids - Love Love LOVE that movie! Oh, and Cars 2 with the kids.
3) Briefly describe the last person you saw today. I just saw my hubby and daughter about 2 minutes ago.
4) Which store did you most recently shop in?  JcPenney and I'm planning on a Home Depot trip later today.
5) Who’s the last person you spoke to over the phone? My mother-in-law
6) Where’s the last place you vacationed? I suppose it was in NJ; went up there for a wedding.
7) When was the last time you kissed someone of the opposite sex?  An hour ago.
What’s the last thing that made you laugh?  www.shitmykidsruined.com
9) What’s the latest app that you downloaded on your phone? Word Feud 
10) What’s the last kind thing you did for someone? I created a short video highlighting my cousin's wedding vows. Edited and snazzed it up a bit (put music to it, etc). She loves it.

Now it’s your turn to answer this week’s questions! I hope you like them! If you have an idea for FMM, please e-mail me, and it could be featured! Don’t forget to come back and link up in the comments!

Blog Failure 2011

Ok, so this isn't really a failure, but I have two other posts I called "blog failure" because they were my previous attempts at blogging and (half-hearted) losing weight and.... well.... I failed!

Here are a handful of entries from yet another blog I started and didn't finish. Except this time, the only reason I didn't finish on that blog is because it was connected to my familiar gmail account - the one many of my friends, acquaintances, and family know about. And I'd prefer to keep this aspect of my life separate. Not private necessarily... just separate. So here are some of those entries (from November 2010 to January 2011):

(The Blog's Title was "Getting my Smile Back")

Monday, January 17, 2011

Getting some other things back....

So.... some things are coming "back" to me now..... coming back into my grasp. As the weight comes off, I have noticed:

1) I can buy airline seats without worrying that I might have to purchase 2!
2) I have more ENERGY
3) My limbs and body feel more limber. I can sit indian-style again. I can get around easier again. My back doesn't ache the way it used to (not 100% better yet, but getting there!) I can reach down my back again (something I had lost the ability to do!).
4) I am beginning to feel more confident and happy with myself!

I still have a LONG way to go. But I'm getting there.

"The journey of 1,000 miles begins with a first step."
It really does!

Where has the time gone!?

Eek! It's now January 17th!! Where has the time gone!? I have been super busy. My busiest time of the year starts with Thanksgiving and ends on January 31st. I feel like I blinked and it is now mid-January!! My oldest just turned 6, and my baby girl will be 4 months old in a few days!! And my other son will be 4 before February!

So obviously I haven't been updating as much as I would like... life has taken over, lol. Just some quick stats:

12/29/10
WEIGHT: 232.6 lbs.
BMI: 42.5

1/4/11
WEIGHT: 231 lbs.
BMI: 42.3

1/11/11
WEIGHT: 225 lbs.
BMI: 41.2

My next weekly appointment is tomorrow, 1/18.

Honestly, I am AMAZED that I have lost the amount of weight I have in such a short period of time. When I started all of this I thought it would take YEARS to get all of this off. After all, it took me a long time to put it on!

If you take me from my heaviest point EVER (288lbs when pregnant): I have lost SIXTY THREE pounds since then! So, essentially, since September 22 or so - 63 pounds! But even before I was pregnant, my weight fluctuated on a daily basis between 278-283. So even at 278... I have still lost 53 pounds. That is still more than the current weight of my 6 year old son!

At this rate, I believe I can reach my goal of being under 200 pounds.... maybe even before April!! That would be amazing!! I haven't been below 200 pounds since 2003 (ugh it is so shameful to admit that!)

I know I said I wouldn't post before/after pics until I am ALL done with this diet. But I think I am feeling OK enough now that I will post them. If for nothing else.... when I come to the page and see the picture(s), it will be a reminder of what I have accomplished so far!

Not going to post today - possibly tomorrow. I'll take a "during" picture since I am still on my "journey."

Friday, December 31, 2010

You must meet your threshold

In order to lose weight, you have to be committed to do so. In order to be committed, you need to reach your threshold. At what point is enough - enough? Some people don't reach that threshold ever. Some reach that threshold at 400 pounds. Some reach it at 120 pounds. Everybody is different. My threshold was 278/283 pounds. It was at that point that I decided something MUST be done. Of course, I was newly pregnant back then, so really doing something about it wasn't an option. I swore up and down to myself that once I had my baby and was done breastfeeding, I would get serious about losing weight. And I did.


Life at 278 pounds was very difficult for me. I noticed many different things.

1) My arms got smaller (well my body got bigger, so my arms "appeared" smaller).
2) I was losing some of my dignity.
3) I could not - would not - get on my knees, for just about anything.
4) I no longer felt feminine whatsoever - not even a tiny bit. I felt... asexual.
5) I was NOT able to make friends easily - not at all.
6) PEOPLE DO LOOK AT YOU DIFFERENTLY WHEN YOU ARE MORBIDLY OBESE.
7) Some people even treated me differently.
8) I was no longer able to find clothes in the overwhelming majority of stores. I outgrew most stores "plus size" sections!
9) I avoided leaving my house.
10) I was always - ALWAYS in pain. My body ached.
11) The day always started off by dreading getting out of bed - because it was quite an exertion just to pull myself up and out of the bed!
12) I felt like I was the WORST mother in the world because I very rarely participated in anything physical.
13) When I did participate, I tired within minutes! Sometimes within (1) minute.
14) I was constantly "catching my breath" and many times felt like I was short on breath.

The list can go on.... and on.... and on.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Doctor visit 11/30/10

Sooo.... today was my weekly check-in.

STATS:
WEIGHT: 248.2lbs
BMI: 45.4
WEIGHT LOSS: 4.3lbs
TOTAL SINCE STARTING THE DIET: 19.8lbs

But if you want to count the weight I was at right before getting pregnant (and right after being pregnant) - that would be 278, so I'd really be down 29.8lbs. And if you want to count my absolute heaviest, whcih was during pregnancy, then I'm actually down 39.8lbs, lol. Considering I was 288 as of September 15th or so.... I'd say losing 40 or so pounds isn't bad at all!!!

Considering last week was Thanksgiving, I guess I'll be happy with a 4.3lb weight drop. Although... my mother-in-law's food wasn't overly appetizing. I don't know why - she didn't mess anything up (well, ok, the candied yams looked more like baby food, lol) - but other than that, everything was fine... but... I just wasn't as ravenously hungry as I had anticipated I would be. Thanksgiving was the first "real food" meal I'd eaten since November 9th, so I surprised myself! I definitely did not over-indulge.

I had one weak moment two nights ago though. I was hungry - like "tummy growling" hungry. My husband wanted to get McDonalds for the kids and himself. I started to tell him to get me just a small fry and 4 pc. nugget, but I stopped myself.

I'm not ready to give myself an inch. Because I can't guarantee that I won't take a mile.

Although.... meh, I WAS good on Thanksgiving. Still though, I don't want to "cheat." And if I had eaten McDonalds 2 nights ago, I would have been cheating!! Thanksgiving I was explicitly told that I was ALLOWED. But I was never told OK for Mickey D's. Well anyway, I am certainly glad I didn't indulge.

As far as exercise, I haven't been doing much of anything this past week. We did - however - go to Busch Gardens on Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving... and I "wore" the baby in a Baby Bjorn the whole time..... and we were there for most of the day, so I guess that's some exercise, right? We also got season passes, so we'll be able to go back other days and get the exercise (and have some fun too!) :)

Uh-Oh, baby girl is crying...... I knew I'd only have a small window in which to get a post in....

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

11/23/2010

So today I had my doctor visit to assess my progress. After losing 11 pounds last week, I was hopeful that I would lose quite a bit this week too. I didn't expect to lose 11 pounds, but I was hoping for at least 8-10 pound drop.

Instead, I only dropped 4.5 pounds. Some people would be happy about that - but I was hoping it would be more. After all - I do have such a LONG journey ahead.....

So here are my stats:
11/23/2010
WEIGHT: 252.5
BMI: 46.2
TOTAL WEIGHT LOSS SO FAR: 16 pounds

::Sigh::

These next 7 days are going to pose a challenge - Thanksgiving is this Thursday!! I have been told I can replace 2-3 "meal replacements" with Thanksgiving goodies. I will try my best not to over-indulge. I cannot deny that I very much look forward to eating some real food - even if it is just a little bit! Each meal replacement is 160 calories - so that's 480 calories I can eat... I think? Well regardless, I'm not going to count calories - I'm just going to try and keep it as little as possible... without drawing too much suspicion.

As far as people knowing - I DO NOT want my husband's family aware of this. My main reasoning is that I don't need to feel like everything I am - or am not - doing, is being judged. The more people that know you are on a diet, the more people are "watching" you. They scrutinize everything you do, and they judge... whether good or bad, they judge. I'm used to having the already bad judgement that I am a fatass. That's fine, whatever. But I don't need to be judged "along the way" while on my journey toward taking my body back!

I would rather be one of those people that others start to notice... "Oh wow, she's looking slimmer than she did last time I saw her....." or have people wonder "Is she on a diet? I thought she was larger the last time I saw her..." instead of being one of those people that others are thinking "Wow, she only lost 16 pounds? She's got so much more to go..." or "Wow, she's been dieting for x amount of tiem and she doesn't look any different at all! It must not be working...." etc etc.

Anyway I will end here - we have plans to take the kids to a theme park tomorrow and right now I am utterly exhausted, so I better get some rest while I have a few hours to do so!

Friday, November 19, 2010

The meaning behind the title

The title of my blog is "Getting My Smile Back." The meaning behind the title is literal. I guess it is figurative, too.

I used to have a very nice smile. When I smiled, it was very evident - nothing was in the way. My eyes were open, I would smile, and I would look good!

As I gained weight, my smile started to shrink. My cheeks got fatter and fatter. My face grew larger and larger. And as that happened, my eyes and my smile grew smaller and smaller. Take a look at these pictures of me - you'll see what I mean:

This was me in late November 1999:

And this was me in late November 2009:

From 18 years old to 28 years old - and over a 100 pound difference. I chose a picture from last year instead of a more recent one because this picture was one of the last pics taken of me before my pregnancy. And we all know pregnancy tends to do weird things to women (for me, it was extra swelling... I think even my nose grew temporarily, lol) - so I felt this was the best representation of how I look today.

The thing with this most recent picture: I am TRYING to smile the way I did in that first picture! This isn't me giving a sly "I don't really want to smile" look. I remember my husband taking this picture. And I wanted to look pretty - and this is how it turned out.

My smile is not as prominent as it used to be. My eyes are not as happy as they used to be. They look squinted everytime I smile naturally. And if I make the extra effort NOT to squint, and instead open my eyes as wide as I can so they don't look so squinted.... I look deranged, lol.

My face has swallowed up my features!



No haircut is going to bring those features back. No "jutting my chin out" (to "lessen" the appearance of the double/triple chin goin' on!) is going to get those features to stand out more. Nope. I've got to lose the fat in my face, in order to gain my face back. I need to lose the weight.... in order to get my smile back.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

November 16, 2010

My 2nd visit! I can tell you honestly that I had not cheated - not even once!!! I stuck to 5 meal replacements per day, as instructed, and drank lots and lots of water.

And when I had my weigh in, these were the results:

November 16, 2010
WEIGHT: 257
BMI: 47

11 pounds in ONE week!!! Granted, that may all be water weight, but hey, a drop of 11 pounds? In a week? I'll take it! That's more than what my 7 week daughter currently weighs!!

November 9, 2010

November 9, 2010 was the start of a new beginning for me.

I walked into the Weight Loss clinic. I was recommended by my primary care doctor, as well as my obstetrician, to see Dr. H. She used to work solo, helping patients lose weight, but now works with the  Clinic. So I went in for my 10am first appointment - my initial consultation.

The first thing they did was put me on the scale. This is a cool scale - it tells you everything! I'm not going to include everything though, just the big 2 numbers. I took my socks and shoes off, and stepped on.

NOVEMBER 9, 2010
STARTING WEIGHT: 268
BMI: 49


Next, I had my initial consultation with Dr. H. She discussed the different options with me, and asked me about my own habits regarding eating. After some discussion, we both determined that going on the Meal Replacement Program (designed by The Center for Medical Weight Loss) would be the best option for me at this time.

Next we discussed costs. The consultation was free. If I wanted to start the program (which I did), the initial visit would be $175 - however - I had a coupon from their website, so it knocked that price down to $125. $125 included getting my weight and blood pressure taken, as well as some bloodwork to be sent for labs. This blood work included my cholesterol, liver function, thyroid function, and a CBC.

Next was the food. For now, I am on a complete meal replacement diet. Eventually, and gradually, we will start introducing "real" foods back into my diet. But I'm not sure when that will be. I need to feel "ready."

The instructions are for 5 meal replacements per day. 3 shakes, either in powdered form that you can mix into a shake OR a pudding - or a ready-to-drink one. 2 solids - whether those are nutrition bars or crisps - and they come in several different flavors.

I am also to drink as much water per day, but at the very minimum, 64 ounces.

The meal replacement plan - for a week's worth of meal replacements - costs $100. However I negotiated 10% off, so every week it will cost $90.

Then comes the visits. To me, this is wonderful. I am to have an appointment every single week (at least for now). The cost is $45 per week. So per month, that is $180. At each visit, I get weighed, I speak to the doctor, I get a week's worth of appetite suppressant (phentermine 37.5mg) and also b12 injections and some kind of fat-burner injection.

The wonderful part about weekly visits is ACCOUNTABILITY. I have to be accountable to the doctor. Not just some random person, but a doctor. And I want to make her proud! And not just the doctor, but the entire office. I feel accountable to all of them.

And while being accountable to them is important - the most important aspect - is that I feel accountable to MYSELF.

I am ready for this. I have spent the first 29 years of my life doing nothing but indulging. I very rarely ever paid attention to what I was eating, or how much of it. I ate what I wanted, when I wanted. And look what has happened! - I have become a prime example of gluttony. I'm done with that. I am ready to limit myself (regarding food) for the sake of my health.

I have also decided.... that while I plan to post pictures here and there, maybe of my family, maybe even of me - I do NOT plan to post specific before/after pictures until there is a SIGNIFICANT weight loss. I just don't see the point in humiliating myself (even if it's just... "to myself") week after week. I'll post when there really is a difference you can SEE. In the meantime, those pictures stay hidden away on my computer.

That's all for now..... :)

The beginning

Ok, so I've been going back and forth about how I want to set up this blog. But I've decided: I'm just going to set it up FOR ME. I don't even know if I'm going to make this "public" or not. It's for me. It's by me, for me. It's my thoughts, my feelings, and whatever the heck I want it to be. I may make no sense at times, may sound rambly much of the time, and maybe this is a huge waste of time... but it's my time... and this blog is for me. Sooo... there.

I'm going to start off saying that I'm probably going to focus *A LOT* on my weight. Maybe the entire blog will be about my weight, I don't know.

On November 9, 2010, I finally made a change in my life. I went in to see a doctor to discuss going on a medically supervised diet. Because at this point, it's either that, or surgery. And I'd really prefer NOT to go the surgery route.

I cannot honestly say that I've even tried many other diets out there. I've always been very half-hearted about it. I tried Slim Fast for a brief time, then stopped because the results weren't immediate. I've tried pills - each time hoping that it will just magically melt my fat away and make me skinny. And lo and behold! - that never worked out. I've tried Zantrex 3, Xenical, Alli (the lower-dose, OTC form of Xenical) - I've tried Stacker 2, Stacker 3 (quite awhile ago) - and countless other diet pills.

And nothing worked.

Nothing worked, because I never put my heart and mind into it fully. I just expected that I would see results and that would be that. And then when I didn't see results within days, I would give up.

And so.... within 12 years (wow, I thought it was 10 years, but apparently the 10 year mark came 2 years ago!).... anyway, within TWELVE years... I have put on a whole 'nother person. 12 years ago - 1999, I weighed 155 pounds. I remember telling myself "I'd kill myself" (not literally) - if I ever reached 165 pounds. Well, by January of 2000 I was 165.... and gaining.

By the end of 2009, I was 278 pounds. What??

And I still managed to get fatter. I got pregnant in January of 2010 - and at my first checkup in February, my weight was 283. I went on to gain 5 pounds during my pregnancy - not bad, but the number on the scale was staggering (Well, even *more* staggering than the other numbers).

I had my 3rd child, a beautiful, healthy baby girl ("Kay") September 23rd, 2010. She is my first baby girl. I have two little boys. Alex is 5 - he will be 6 in January. Jay is 3 - and will be 4 in January. I am happily married to the love of my life - and we have been inseparable since we met in college - December 1999.

I have very long term, semi-long term, and shorter-term goals regarding my weight.

My *very long term* goal - my ultimate goal - is to reach 130 pounds. That way, my BMI would be within the "normal" range. I would be at a BMI of 23.8. This is close to the "limit" of normal, but I think this would be a good spot to be in. It would certainly be the first time I've ever been within the normal limit. If I can ever make it to this goal - then I'll give myself a further goal of reaching 115-120 pounds and leave it at that. That is apparently my ideal weight according to my height, but I need to see how 130 pounds looks on me first.

My semi-long term goal, and what I believe to be a very realistic goal - is to reach 155 pounds. This was where I "started," in 1999. I didn't think that was thin back then, but from where I'm standing now, 155 sounds like a good goal to aim toward!!! It's a hell of a lot healthier and thinner than 278 pounds!!

My shorter-term goal is to reach 199. I would like to reach this within the next 12-18 months.

I realize that this is a LONG journey ahead of me. It took me 12 years to put this weight on. It is NOT going to come off overnight. The only way to lose the weight is good old diet and exercise. I strongly believe a person MUST reach this point of realization before they can really put their heart and soul into losing weight.

I have finally reached that point. And so on November 9, 2010 - I "began."

Powerful Quote

"If you don't accept it - change it!
If you don't change it - accept it!"

~Anonymous

Back from the Wedding

A few pictures (other people are blurred/edited out for privacy reasons)

Had a great time! Will give more details when I get some *uninterrupted* time to write!

So I'm not so great with splicing or combining images... so it looks really choppy and is probably not entirely to scale, but I put a side by side of me. The picture on the left was taken this past Saturday (August 6, 2011) approximately 163 pounds. The picture on the right was taken during a wedding we attended in September 2007. So almost exactly 4 years apart... and I *think* I was somewhere in the 240 range in that pic. So there's about an 80 pound difference in the picture.

Have a great day and weekend! It's hard to believe summer is almost over!

GOODBYE OBESITY RANGE

So yesterday I had my weigh in at the weight loss clinic.

I am over 100 pounds down now. When I walked in their door I was 268 (I had already lost some weight so this isn't my total weight loss!). When I weighed in 2 weeks ago, I was 169. I was in a rut for a little while. That 169 was actually up like, a half pound from the previous 2 weeks!

So yesterday, my weigh in was 163.6 - whaaaat!? I can hardly believe it myself!!! I am THRILLED.

Here is the biggest bonus (to me): I AM NO LONGER IN THE OBESE RANGE OF MY BMI!!!!!

I know the BMI isn't always accurate for people.... but the fact that my BMI is in the "overweight" category now instead of "obese" has me celebrating. :) I use the Wii Fit Plus and it's so nice when I weighed myself on that and it didn't say "That's obese." LOL.

Now granted, I am teetering on the edge: my BMI is 29.9, and a range of 30.0 is considered obese... but still.... nice feeling.

I am going to a wedding this weekend (yes, another!) up north. I am flying out Friday and coming back Sunday. Shortest trip to my home state I have ever made! But looking forward to it. My hubby will be home with the kids and I'll be seeing old friends and family who haven't seen me in over 5 years. Should be nice!

Once again I apologize for not posting more often. There are SO many things I want to say, SO much advice I want to give, so much I want to open up about.... there is just an awful lack of time! And I am so scatterbrained that it's a wonder I remember anything at all! I will finish and publish the posts I am working on one of these days - really!!

I know I won't be posting until after Sunday, at least.... so I hope you all have a wonderful week and enjoy your weekend!!!