Friend Makin' Tuesday

Yesterday was a crazy day; my boys started school! So I didn't have time to partake in the "Friend Makin Monday" post ON Monday, but better late than never, so I am doing it now, Tuesday morning. I am feeling pretty good about the school year; I think the routine and schedule will be VERY good for me. I really do believe that part of the reason I haven't had a grasp on time (and it keeps flying) is because I haven't had any sort of set schedule. I think I need that.

Kenlie over at All The Weigh started the Friend Makin' Monday posts, and I think they are great!

If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section here at: www.alltheweigh.com so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!

FMM: The Last Thing

1) What is the title of the last book you read?  "500 Things to Do With Your Children Before They Grow Up"
2) What is the last movie you saw in a theater? Bridesmaids - Love Love LOVE that movie! Oh, and Cars 2 with the kids.
3) Briefly describe the last person you saw today. I just saw my hubby and daughter about 2 minutes ago.
4) Which store did you most recently shop in?  JcPenney and I'm planning on a Home Depot trip later today.
5) Who’s the last person you spoke to over the phone? My mother-in-law
6) Where’s the last place you vacationed? I suppose it was in NJ; went up there for a wedding.
7) When was the last time you kissed someone of the opposite sex?  An hour ago.
What’s the last thing that made you laugh?  www.shitmykidsruined.com
9) What’s the latest app that you downloaded on your phone? Word Feud 
10) What’s the last kind thing you did for someone? I created a short video highlighting my cousin's wedding vows. Edited and snazzed it up a bit (put music to it, etc). She loves it.

Now it’s your turn to answer this week’s questions! I hope you like them! If you have an idea for FMM, please e-mail me, and it could be featured! Don’t forget to come back and link up in the comments!

Blog Failure 2011

Ok, so this isn't really a failure, but I have two other posts I called "blog failure" because they were my previous attempts at blogging and (half-hearted) losing weight and.... well.... I failed!

Here are a handful of entries from yet another blog I started and didn't finish. Except this time, the only reason I didn't finish on that blog is because it was connected to my familiar gmail account - the one many of my friends, acquaintances, and family know about. And I'd prefer to keep this aspect of my life separate. Not private necessarily... just separate. So here are some of those entries (from November 2010 to January 2011):

(The Blog's Title was "Getting my Smile Back")

Monday, January 17, 2011

Getting some other things back....

So.... some things are coming "back" to me now..... coming back into my grasp. As the weight comes off, I have noticed:

1) I can buy airline seats without worrying that I might have to purchase 2!
2) I have more ENERGY
3) My limbs and body feel more limber. I can sit indian-style again. I can get around easier again. My back doesn't ache the way it used to (not 100% better yet, but getting there!) I can reach down my back again (something I had lost the ability to do!).
4) I am beginning to feel more confident and happy with myself!

I still have a LONG way to go. But I'm getting there.

"The journey of 1,000 miles begins with a first step."
It really does!

Where has the time gone!?

Eek! It's now January 17th!! Where has the time gone!? I have been super busy. My busiest time of the year starts with Thanksgiving and ends on January 31st. I feel like I blinked and it is now mid-January!! My oldest just turned 6, and my baby girl will be 4 months old in a few days!! And my other son will be 4 before February!

So obviously I haven't been updating as much as I would like... life has taken over, lol. Just some quick stats:

12/29/10
WEIGHT: 232.6 lbs.
BMI: 42.5

1/4/11
WEIGHT: 231 lbs.
BMI: 42.3

1/11/11
WEIGHT: 225 lbs.
BMI: 41.2

My next weekly appointment is tomorrow, 1/18.

Honestly, I am AMAZED that I have lost the amount of weight I have in such a short period of time. When I started all of this I thought it would take YEARS to get all of this off. After all, it took me a long time to put it on!

If you take me from my heaviest point EVER (288lbs when pregnant): I have lost SIXTY THREE pounds since then! So, essentially, since September 22 or so - 63 pounds! But even before I was pregnant, my weight fluctuated on a daily basis between 278-283. So even at 278... I have still lost 53 pounds. That is still more than the current weight of my 6 year old son!

At this rate, I believe I can reach my goal of being under 200 pounds.... maybe even before April!! That would be amazing!! I haven't been below 200 pounds since 2003 (ugh it is so shameful to admit that!)

I know I said I wouldn't post before/after pics until I am ALL done with this diet. But I think I am feeling OK enough now that I will post them. If for nothing else.... when I come to the page and see the picture(s), it will be a reminder of what I have accomplished so far!

Not going to post today - possibly tomorrow. I'll take a "during" picture since I am still on my "journey."

Friday, December 31, 2010

You must meet your threshold

In order to lose weight, you have to be committed to do so. In order to be committed, you need to reach your threshold. At what point is enough - enough? Some people don't reach that threshold ever. Some reach that threshold at 400 pounds. Some reach it at 120 pounds. Everybody is different. My threshold was 278/283 pounds. It was at that point that I decided something MUST be done. Of course, I was newly pregnant back then, so really doing something about it wasn't an option. I swore up and down to myself that once I had my baby and was done breastfeeding, I would get serious about losing weight. And I did.


Life at 278 pounds was very difficult for me. I noticed many different things.

1) My arms got smaller (well my body got bigger, so my arms "appeared" smaller).
2) I was losing some of my dignity.
3) I could not - would not - get on my knees, for just about anything.
4) I no longer felt feminine whatsoever - not even a tiny bit. I felt... asexual.
5) I was NOT able to make friends easily - not at all.
6) PEOPLE DO LOOK AT YOU DIFFERENTLY WHEN YOU ARE MORBIDLY OBESE.
7) Some people even treated me differently.
8) I was no longer able to find clothes in the overwhelming majority of stores. I outgrew most stores "plus size" sections!
9) I avoided leaving my house.
10) I was always - ALWAYS in pain. My body ached.
11) The day always started off by dreading getting out of bed - because it was quite an exertion just to pull myself up and out of the bed!
12) I felt like I was the WORST mother in the world because I very rarely participated in anything physical.
13) When I did participate, I tired within minutes! Sometimes within (1) minute.
14) I was constantly "catching my breath" and many times felt like I was short on breath.

The list can go on.... and on.... and on.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Doctor visit 11/30/10

Sooo.... today was my weekly check-in.

STATS:
WEIGHT: 248.2lbs
BMI: 45.4
WEIGHT LOSS: 4.3lbs
TOTAL SINCE STARTING THE DIET: 19.8lbs

But if you want to count the weight I was at right before getting pregnant (and right after being pregnant) - that would be 278, so I'd really be down 29.8lbs. And if you want to count my absolute heaviest, whcih was during pregnancy, then I'm actually down 39.8lbs, lol. Considering I was 288 as of September 15th or so.... I'd say losing 40 or so pounds isn't bad at all!!!

Considering last week was Thanksgiving, I guess I'll be happy with a 4.3lb weight drop. Although... my mother-in-law's food wasn't overly appetizing. I don't know why - she didn't mess anything up (well, ok, the candied yams looked more like baby food, lol) - but other than that, everything was fine... but... I just wasn't as ravenously hungry as I had anticipated I would be. Thanksgiving was the first "real food" meal I'd eaten since November 9th, so I surprised myself! I definitely did not over-indulge.

I had one weak moment two nights ago though. I was hungry - like "tummy growling" hungry. My husband wanted to get McDonalds for the kids and himself. I started to tell him to get me just a small fry and 4 pc. nugget, but I stopped myself.

I'm not ready to give myself an inch. Because I can't guarantee that I won't take a mile.

Although.... meh, I WAS good on Thanksgiving. Still though, I don't want to "cheat." And if I had eaten McDonalds 2 nights ago, I would have been cheating!! Thanksgiving I was explicitly told that I was ALLOWED. But I was never told OK for Mickey D's. Well anyway, I am certainly glad I didn't indulge.

As far as exercise, I haven't been doing much of anything this past week. We did - however - go to Busch Gardens on Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving... and I "wore" the baby in a Baby Bjorn the whole time..... and we were there for most of the day, so I guess that's some exercise, right? We also got season passes, so we'll be able to go back other days and get the exercise (and have some fun too!) :)

Uh-Oh, baby girl is crying...... I knew I'd only have a small window in which to get a post in....

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

11/23/2010

So today I had my doctor visit to assess my progress. After losing 11 pounds last week, I was hopeful that I would lose quite a bit this week too. I didn't expect to lose 11 pounds, but I was hoping for at least 8-10 pound drop.

Instead, I only dropped 4.5 pounds. Some people would be happy about that - but I was hoping it would be more. After all - I do have such a LONG journey ahead.....

So here are my stats:
11/23/2010
WEIGHT: 252.5
BMI: 46.2
TOTAL WEIGHT LOSS SO FAR: 16 pounds

::Sigh::

These next 7 days are going to pose a challenge - Thanksgiving is this Thursday!! I have been told I can replace 2-3 "meal replacements" with Thanksgiving goodies. I will try my best not to over-indulge. I cannot deny that I very much look forward to eating some real food - even if it is just a little bit! Each meal replacement is 160 calories - so that's 480 calories I can eat... I think? Well regardless, I'm not going to count calories - I'm just going to try and keep it as little as possible... without drawing too much suspicion.

As far as people knowing - I DO NOT want my husband's family aware of this. My main reasoning is that I don't need to feel like everything I am - or am not - doing, is being judged. The more people that know you are on a diet, the more people are "watching" you. They scrutinize everything you do, and they judge... whether good or bad, they judge. I'm used to having the already bad judgement that I am a fatass. That's fine, whatever. But I don't need to be judged "along the way" while on my journey toward taking my body back!

I would rather be one of those people that others start to notice... "Oh wow, she's looking slimmer than she did last time I saw her....." or have people wonder "Is she on a diet? I thought she was larger the last time I saw her..." instead of being one of those people that others are thinking "Wow, she only lost 16 pounds? She's got so much more to go..." or "Wow, she's been dieting for x amount of tiem and she doesn't look any different at all! It must not be working...." etc etc.

Anyway I will end here - we have plans to take the kids to a theme park tomorrow and right now I am utterly exhausted, so I better get some rest while I have a few hours to do so!

Friday, November 19, 2010

The meaning behind the title

The title of my blog is "Getting My Smile Back." The meaning behind the title is literal. I guess it is figurative, too.

I used to have a very nice smile. When I smiled, it was very evident - nothing was in the way. My eyes were open, I would smile, and I would look good!

As I gained weight, my smile started to shrink. My cheeks got fatter and fatter. My face grew larger and larger. And as that happened, my eyes and my smile grew smaller and smaller. Take a look at these pictures of me - you'll see what I mean:

This was me in late November 1999:

And this was me in late November 2009:

From 18 years old to 28 years old - and over a 100 pound difference. I chose a picture from last year instead of a more recent one because this picture was one of the last pics taken of me before my pregnancy. And we all know pregnancy tends to do weird things to women (for me, it was extra swelling... I think even my nose grew temporarily, lol) - so I felt this was the best representation of how I look today.

The thing with this most recent picture: I am TRYING to smile the way I did in that first picture! This isn't me giving a sly "I don't really want to smile" look. I remember my husband taking this picture. And I wanted to look pretty - and this is how it turned out.

My smile is not as prominent as it used to be. My eyes are not as happy as they used to be. They look squinted everytime I smile naturally. And if I make the extra effort NOT to squint, and instead open my eyes as wide as I can so they don't look so squinted.... I look deranged, lol.

My face has swallowed up my features!



No haircut is going to bring those features back. No "jutting my chin out" (to "lessen" the appearance of the double/triple chin goin' on!) is going to get those features to stand out more. Nope. I've got to lose the fat in my face, in order to gain my face back. I need to lose the weight.... in order to get my smile back.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

November 16, 2010

My 2nd visit! I can tell you honestly that I had not cheated - not even once!!! I stuck to 5 meal replacements per day, as instructed, and drank lots and lots of water.

And when I had my weigh in, these were the results:

November 16, 2010
WEIGHT: 257
BMI: 47

11 pounds in ONE week!!! Granted, that may all be water weight, but hey, a drop of 11 pounds? In a week? I'll take it! That's more than what my 7 week daughter currently weighs!!

November 9, 2010

November 9, 2010 was the start of a new beginning for me.

I walked into the Weight Loss clinic. I was recommended by my primary care doctor, as well as my obstetrician, to see Dr. H. She used to work solo, helping patients lose weight, but now works with the  Clinic. So I went in for my 10am first appointment - my initial consultation.

The first thing they did was put me on the scale. This is a cool scale - it tells you everything! I'm not going to include everything though, just the big 2 numbers. I took my socks and shoes off, and stepped on.

NOVEMBER 9, 2010
STARTING WEIGHT: 268
BMI: 49


Next, I had my initial consultation with Dr. H. She discussed the different options with me, and asked me about my own habits regarding eating. After some discussion, we both determined that going on the Meal Replacement Program (designed by The Center for Medical Weight Loss) would be the best option for me at this time.

Next we discussed costs. The consultation was free. If I wanted to start the program (which I did), the initial visit would be $175 - however - I had a coupon from their website, so it knocked that price down to $125. $125 included getting my weight and blood pressure taken, as well as some bloodwork to be sent for labs. This blood work included my cholesterol, liver function, thyroid function, and a CBC.

Next was the food. For now, I am on a complete meal replacement diet. Eventually, and gradually, we will start introducing "real" foods back into my diet. But I'm not sure when that will be. I need to feel "ready."

The instructions are for 5 meal replacements per day. 3 shakes, either in powdered form that you can mix into a shake OR a pudding - or a ready-to-drink one. 2 solids - whether those are nutrition bars or crisps - and they come in several different flavors.

I am also to drink as much water per day, but at the very minimum, 64 ounces.

The meal replacement plan - for a week's worth of meal replacements - costs $100. However I negotiated 10% off, so every week it will cost $90.

Then comes the visits. To me, this is wonderful. I am to have an appointment every single week (at least for now). The cost is $45 per week. So per month, that is $180. At each visit, I get weighed, I speak to the doctor, I get a week's worth of appetite suppressant (phentermine 37.5mg) and also b12 injections and some kind of fat-burner injection.

The wonderful part about weekly visits is ACCOUNTABILITY. I have to be accountable to the doctor. Not just some random person, but a doctor. And I want to make her proud! And not just the doctor, but the entire office. I feel accountable to all of them.

And while being accountable to them is important - the most important aspect - is that I feel accountable to MYSELF.

I am ready for this. I have spent the first 29 years of my life doing nothing but indulging. I very rarely ever paid attention to what I was eating, or how much of it. I ate what I wanted, when I wanted. And look what has happened! - I have become a prime example of gluttony. I'm done with that. I am ready to limit myself (regarding food) for the sake of my health.

I have also decided.... that while I plan to post pictures here and there, maybe of my family, maybe even of me - I do NOT plan to post specific before/after pictures until there is a SIGNIFICANT weight loss. I just don't see the point in humiliating myself (even if it's just... "to myself") week after week. I'll post when there really is a difference you can SEE. In the meantime, those pictures stay hidden away on my computer.

That's all for now..... :)

The beginning

Ok, so I've been going back and forth about how I want to set up this blog. But I've decided: I'm just going to set it up FOR ME. I don't even know if I'm going to make this "public" or not. It's for me. It's by me, for me. It's my thoughts, my feelings, and whatever the heck I want it to be. I may make no sense at times, may sound rambly much of the time, and maybe this is a huge waste of time... but it's my time... and this blog is for me. Sooo... there.

I'm going to start off saying that I'm probably going to focus *A LOT* on my weight. Maybe the entire blog will be about my weight, I don't know.

On November 9, 2010, I finally made a change in my life. I went in to see a doctor to discuss going on a medically supervised diet. Because at this point, it's either that, or surgery. And I'd really prefer NOT to go the surgery route.

I cannot honestly say that I've even tried many other diets out there. I've always been very half-hearted about it. I tried Slim Fast for a brief time, then stopped because the results weren't immediate. I've tried pills - each time hoping that it will just magically melt my fat away and make me skinny. And lo and behold! - that never worked out. I've tried Zantrex 3, Xenical, Alli (the lower-dose, OTC form of Xenical) - I've tried Stacker 2, Stacker 3 (quite awhile ago) - and countless other diet pills.

And nothing worked.

Nothing worked, because I never put my heart and mind into it fully. I just expected that I would see results and that would be that. And then when I didn't see results within days, I would give up.

And so.... within 12 years (wow, I thought it was 10 years, but apparently the 10 year mark came 2 years ago!).... anyway, within TWELVE years... I have put on a whole 'nother person. 12 years ago - 1999, I weighed 155 pounds. I remember telling myself "I'd kill myself" (not literally) - if I ever reached 165 pounds. Well, by January of 2000 I was 165.... and gaining.

By the end of 2009, I was 278 pounds. What??

And I still managed to get fatter. I got pregnant in January of 2010 - and at my first checkup in February, my weight was 283. I went on to gain 5 pounds during my pregnancy - not bad, but the number on the scale was staggering (Well, even *more* staggering than the other numbers).

I had my 3rd child, a beautiful, healthy baby girl ("Kay") September 23rd, 2010. She is my first baby girl. I have two little boys. Alex is 5 - he will be 6 in January. Jay is 3 - and will be 4 in January. I am happily married to the love of my life - and we have been inseparable since we met in college - December 1999.

I have very long term, semi-long term, and shorter-term goals regarding my weight.

My *very long term* goal - my ultimate goal - is to reach 130 pounds. That way, my BMI would be within the "normal" range. I would be at a BMI of 23.8. This is close to the "limit" of normal, but I think this would be a good spot to be in. It would certainly be the first time I've ever been within the normal limit. If I can ever make it to this goal - then I'll give myself a further goal of reaching 115-120 pounds and leave it at that. That is apparently my ideal weight according to my height, but I need to see how 130 pounds looks on me first.

My semi-long term goal, and what I believe to be a very realistic goal - is to reach 155 pounds. This was where I "started," in 1999. I didn't think that was thin back then, but from where I'm standing now, 155 sounds like a good goal to aim toward!!! It's a hell of a lot healthier and thinner than 278 pounds!!

My shorter-term goal is to reach 199. I would like to reach this within the next 12-18 months.

I realize that this is a LONG journey ahead of me. It took me 12 years to put this weight on. It is NOT going to come off overnight. The only way to lose the weight is good old diet and exercise. I strongly believe a person MUST reach this point of realization before they can really put their heart and soul into losing weight.

I have finally reached that point. And so on November 9, 2010 - I "began."

Powerful Quote

"If you don't accept it - change it!
If you don't change it - accept it!"

~Anonymous

Back from the Wedding

A few pictures (other people are blurred/edited out for privacy reasons)

Had a great time! Will give more details when I get some *uninterrupted* time to write!

So I'm not so great with splicing or combining images... so it looks really choppy and is probably not entirely to scale, but I put a side by side of me. The picture on the left was taken this past Saturday (August 6, 2011) approximately 163 pounds. The picture on the right was taken during a wedding we attended in September 2007. So almost exactly 4 years apart... and I *think* I was somewhere in the 240 range in that pic. So there's about an 80 pound difference in the picture.

Have a great day and weekend! It's hard to believe summer is almost over!

GOODBYE OBESITY RANGE

So yesterday I had my weigh in at the weight loss clinic.

I am over 100 pounds down now. When I walked in their door I was 268 (I had already lost some weight so this isn't my total weight loss!). When I weighed in 2 weeks ago, I was 169. I was in a rut for a little while. That 169 was actually up like, a half pound from the previous 2 weeks!

So yesterday, my weigh in was 163.6 - whaaaat!? I can hardly believe it myself!!! I am THRILLED.

Here is the biggest bonus (to me): I AM NO LONGER IN THE OBESE RANGE OF MY BMI!!!!!

I know the BMI isn't always accurate for people.... but the fact that my BMI is in the "overweight" category now instead of "obese" has me celebrating. :) I use the Wii Fit Plus and it's so nice when I weighed myself on that and it didn't say "That's obese." LOL.

Now granted, I am teetering on the edge: my BMI is 29.9, and a range of 30.0 is considered obese... but still.... nice feeling.

I am going to a wedding this weekend (yes, another!) up north. I am flying out Friday and coming back Sunday. Shortest trip to my home state I have ever made! But looking forward to it. My hubby will be home with the kids and I'll be seeing old friends and family who haven't seen me in over 5 years. Should be nice!

Once again I apologize for not posting more often. There are SO many things I want to say, SO much advice I want to give, so much I want to open up about.... there is just an awful lack of time! And I am so scatterbrained that it's a wonder I remember anything at all! I will finish and publish the posts I am working on one of these days - really!!

I know I won't be posting until after Sunday, at least.... so I hope you all have a wonderful week and enjoy your weekend!!!

Attitude

First and foremost, if you want to lose weight, you MUST have the drive and determination to change. I'm not just talking about the desire to lose weight. Because we all have that desire.

The desire to lose weight is what had me telling people "I'm working on it." for years. But let's face it: I wasn't doing a darn thing! It wasn't that I enjoyed being fat. I hated it! I definitely had a desire to lose weight, but for whatever reason, I lacked the drive and determination to get the weight off.

I can't tell you how to get that drive and determination. I just know that it has to come from within. External forces (such as a nagging critic) might work temporarily, but I don't think it's going to last. It really does need to come from within.

For me, it finally came when I reached my threshold of tolerance (what I was willing to put up with, with my own body). I don't even know if that phrase "threshold of tolerance" makes sense, but it's what I reference when I talk about where my drive and determination came from. Better put: Your breaking point.

When I reached 283 pounds, it was a breaking point. And I didn't even reach it immediately when I got to that weight. But just one day, it hit me. Of course, it was like, a day or two before I found out I was pregnant. But once I reached that point, there was no going back.

Things were put on hold for 9 months. But I can tell you that my determination and drive to take the weight off never went away. And I promised myself that once I had the baby and was done breastfeeding, that I was going to follow through with myself and get this weight off. And I did.

That drive and determination needed to be there, and not on just a superficial level like desire.

Aaannnd with that, my daughter is awake from her nap and she is NOT happy. I hate to end abruptly but I'm going to post this anyway, otherwise it will sit as a "draft" for another 3 months!

I have to start getting ready soon anyway. Hubby and I are going to see my most favorite comedian ever, Jim Gaffigan! I can't wait! If you've never heard of him, I highly suggest checking him out. You can check out tons of his comedy clips on youtube just by typing in his name.

Keeping Track of Calories

I recently added an app to my phone so that I can (hopefully) keep better track of calories and exercise. The site is http://www.myfitnesspal.com/.

If you also use this site, feel free to add me as a friend! My username is "livingmylife30"

As with everything else in my life... I'll try to be consistent with it.

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter

Friend Makin' Mondays

When I first started actively losing weight, I came across a blog that I LOVE. I would love to meet her someday, she is so awesome and inspiring. Kenlie over at All The Weigh started this great ritual. Every Monday, she posts something for her readers to respond to, and then link up to her blog. Well since my blogging and computer time is so sporadic these days, I have been missing the opportunity to respond to them for weeks! So today I finally have a ((little)) bit of time, so rock on! - I'm doing it. Feel free to do the same!

FMM: Ten Random Questions

1) What do you like most about yourself? When I get determined to accomplish something - it's full steam ahead!

2) List three characteristics that you like to have in your friends. Caring, Loving, common sense

3) How often do you brush your teeth? Twice per day

4) If you could travel anywhere today, where would you go? Alaska. Or Montana. Somewhere where the weather is much milder than it is here in sweltering Florida, where the views are beautiful and there is lots of wildlife.

5) Have you ever met anyone from the blog world in person? No, but I would love to!!! I have met friends from the online world though - one of whom has been a "bff" for 6 years now. So I am always open to meeting new friends!!

6) What is the last show you watched on TV? Hubby and I watched "Camelot" on Netflix. It's going to leave us extremely frustrated, I already know.... because the series was just recently cancelled! They got through Season 1 (which we are loving so far) and after that, no more. Boo!

7) What kind of perfume/cologne do you wear? For over 11 years now, I faithfully wear "J'Adore" by Christian Dior. I was given a sample while walking through Macy's back in... early 2000 I think (or 99) and I have been hooked ever since. I just wish the price would go down - 11 years later and it's still just as expensive as it was when it was new! Guess it's just THAT good, lol. I also occasionally wear "Heavenly" body spray by Victoria's Secret.

8) How long ago did you complete your last workout? Honestly I couldn't tell you. The last time I really remember working out was at the hotel we stayed at in Orlando before taking off for our flight up north. And I was so proud of myself for being able to run nonstop (level 4.5 on the treadmill) for 2 whole minutes (walked for much longer than that). I had never been able to run nonstop at a pretty good pace before for ANY length of time. I try to be active everyday, but I still struggle with incorporating a regular exercise routine.

9) What will you eat for dinner tonight?  I'm not sure yet. I may have a meal replacement bar, or I may have McDonalds. The kids have been begging, and it's 99 cent chicken nugget night. I know, McDonald's is bad, but hear me out: If I only eat 4 to 5 nuggets - and that's IT - my weight loss is not affected. Trust me, I've done it several times throughout this entire process.

10) Share something fun that you did over the weekend. We took the kids to the local aquarium. I love seeing their faces light up! :)

Sorry to post and run

If I don't rush through this, it's just not going to happen. We're cooped up inside today due to rain and the kids can only be entertained without me for short periods of time lol.

Anyway, my husband and I went up north for our friend's wedding. Let me tell you, the entire experience from start to finish was amazing!

As far as flying, no problems at all, no discomfort at all (other than the mere fact of flying. Not a fan. IDK, something about being 30,000 feet from the ground doesn't settle well with me lol).

I love the northeast and I miss it. The place where the wedding was is a few states north of where I grew up....which I think made it even more gorgeous. I love the geography up there. And the weather of course. It was wonderful to be able to sleep at night with the windows open.... or to walk outside and not instantly break out in a sweat!

What's wonderful as well: Posting some pics on FB and friends from all over writing "You look AMAZING! You look radiant!! You look great!" 

After over 100 pounds lost, everyone is finally noticing, lol. Except 1 person in particular. She refuses to acknowledge - I mean, goes out of her way to "not" acknowledge - that I have lost weight. But this person is also the mother of a very nasty nasty c-word who said some very nasty things to me regarding my weight while I was 9 months pregnant... I believe in hopes of actually hurting my pregnancy (literally). But that's a LONG story and for another day. It's a doozy though, that's for sure!!

But anyway... the facebook compliments... I was not seeing much of those back in January or February. Even then I had lost quite a bit of weight, but I guess I was at that point where people may have noticed a difference, but weren't 100% sure and didn't want to say something and make it awkward. That's just my guess.

But anyway!! Without further adieu here are some "me" pictures (rehearsal and then wedding):

The background was the bathroom, LOL. So I just grayed that out. You're not missing anything there lol.

The dress had spaghetti straps, but surprisingly I was actually a little cold so I wore the (bolero?) jacket I bought with it.

And here are some pics from the wedding "photo booth":

(Friends faces blurred out)

And two more pics:

Not a fan of the lines on my face, but I know things could be much worse!

This was the first time I didn't feel incredibly disgusted with myself for as long as I could remember. And that night, I had my cake and I ate it too! Didn't suffer too much for it and when I went to my weigh in yesterday after spending the better part of a week with friends and family urging me to EAT... I had still lost a few pounds. Not much from the previous weigh in 2 weeks prior (I think 3 lbs lost?) but hey, it's still something!!

And since the kids are starting to get restless I'll end with 1 more pic. The last wedding we attended was October of 2009, when I was very close to my heaviest weight EVER. This was me then:

I tried to find a full body shot and then realized there are none. It's actually pretty difficult to find many full-body shots. I remember in this pic I was jutting my neck out as far as I could without looking awkward in the photo (to try and minimize the chin-doubling).

I have so much more to say - so many half-started blog posts waiting for me to finish and publish. Hopefully I get time soon just to work on those. Ok, the kids are officially jumping off the walls. Have a wonderful day!

Weigh In and other stuff

So would you believe that this entire time, my family has been battling some stupid virus!??? I am so annoyed. After the stomach bug, we were fine for a very short time, then got hit with some nasty upper respiratory infection. It started with my son Jay, who spiked a fever and wasn't feeling well. A few days later, the baby started showing the same signs. Then last Friday, my son Amex* came home from school spiking a 102 degree fever. My husband had been sick as well at different points during these last 2 weeks. But guess who got sick too?

Yup, you guessed it. I hadn't been feeling well overall, but it really hit me Sunday. And I have been wiped out for what feels like forever!! This has been a horrible chest cold/sinus infection. We have all been miserable!

My weigh-in at the clinic was supposed to be Tuesday but I was so sick I rescheduled to Thursday. So yesterday I went in and I knew I would be disappointed.

While I still lost, I am disappointed in myself. VERY disappointed in myself. I only dropped like, 2 pounds.

2 pounds in 2 weeks!?

I CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT!!! I have proven to myself that I can do better than that.

I gave in to temptation way too many times. I can blame it on being sick and having an extra-chaotic household because let's face it, those are truths!... but I am not going to play the blame game. The only person I really need to be accountable to is myself. And I am telling myself: YOU MUST DO BETTER THAN THAT.

I know 2 pounds is still an improvement, and that a pound per week is usually what is recommended...but I have gotten used to seeing more than 2 pound difference on the scale these last 7 months.

Speaking of!!!.... holy crap, yesterday also marks 7 months since I started my medically supervised weight loss program! My weight loss (with the program alone, not counting the 10 or so pounds I lost before starting the program) since November 9th is 93.2 pounds!! Rock on!

My next appointment is June 21st. My realistic goal is to be at 170 or 169. My "I'd be over the moon happy" goal is to be at 166-165. If I can even reach that by June 27th, I'd be BEYOND thrilled.

Here's why:

We are attending the wedding of our dear friend at the end of June. He lives up north so we'll be flying up there. He was the best man at our wedding. My hubby and I met because of him! Anyway we met in college, so there will be some mutual friends of ours there - friends whom we haven't seen for a minimum of 7 years, but for many it will be more like 9-10 years since we've seen them!




Fall 1999 - college freshman



This was me in early fall 1999, in college

The weight of 165 is one I often associate with the beginning of college.

Dec. 1999 - very first picture of hubby and I, college
(No, not married - we married in 2004!)

November 20, 2000 - hubby went through a
beard phase. It was short-lived lol.

Our college friends saw me climb up in weight.

September 8, 2001, mid-way through college,
you can see the weight increase from the previous pic

 I gained more than the freshman 15. And I kept gaining. And by the time we graduated, I had reached the 200 mark, and still climbing.

College Graduation, Dec. 2002

So I look forward to seeing some old friends and I really look forward to not feeling so ashamed of my appearance when I see them!!!

And darn it, I better not still be sick by the end of this month! This is the cold infection that just keeps on giving. Still sick but more functional now.

Have a great weekend, and I hope I can devote some time to writing some more posts (even if I have to save them to post them later, lol) :)





*Amex is not his real name, but I'm sure you can figure out his real name when I tell you this: It's how little brother Jay pronounces his name (LOL).

Cranky pants

First, let me say I am not giving up on this blog.... just as I am not giving up on losing this weight!

Things have been ridiculously hectic around here lately!

It started with a stomach bug early last week. My son "Amex" came home from school last Monday (or was it Tuesday...?) and within hours of being home, he threw up. Only hours later, Jay was sick. Then at 4am, Kay was awake and throwing up. Oh, what a night that was! The washer and dryer was on non-stop. Since last week it's been crazy around here.

The stomach bug is gone (thank God!) and I didn't get it (knock on wood!!!) but there seems to be another germ floating around the house now. I fear it is only a matter of time until I too am knocked on my butt!

Thank you *schools* for keeping my children's immune system's busy (and mine too for that matter)!

So we've been dealing with colds/cranky kids and babies for a week now.

Speaking of!..............

2:09am... and Kay is awake.... and unhappy. I've left her alone for the past 3 minutes to see if she might fall back asleep (which she was done before)... but that doesn't seem to be happening.

Be back eventually soon.

You Don't Have to Exercise to Lose Weight

Ha, I know that title is controversial.... but by the end of this, I hope it makes more sense.

There are a million +1 ways to lose weight. There are a million and one fad diets out there. There are countless ways people have lost weight.

I am a true believer that it is not (necessarily) HOW you lose the weight, but what you do once you lose the weight.

Because what works for some might not work for others. What works for me might not work for you. What works for you might never work for me. So you have to do what works for you (within healthy limits of course - no destructive behaviors!)

When I was 278 pounds, and even well before that, I was constantly told by my mother to "just start exercising. Start small, work your way up."

"Just go for a walk...."

And for some people, it really is *that* easy. But for me, it wasn't. Every pound I gained made it harder and more difficult to do things that others take for granted.

I tried my mother's advice several times. I just "went for a walk".... in Florida, in the 90 degree heat and humidity. And I can tell you that the times I went, I was beyond miserable. Not just during, but after. I swelled and bloated horribly. My body ached. My feet hurt, my back hurt, my legs hurt.... everything hurt. Just from a simple walk. I felt sweaty, disgusting, and out of breath. To me, this was pretty darn close to torture.

I have seen  firsthand that the ends don't  justify the means for all people. I have a friend who has been morbidly obese pretty much her entire life. She started exercising regularly in 2009, and I can tell you that she is probably in better physical shape than I am. She can likely run faster and longer than I can, and she can probably beat me at a lot of things. But... in 2 years, she has only lost about 25 pounds.

.....She still has about 125 to go!

So at that rate, does that mean that her weight loss will take 10 more years?

YES it does. If she continues in exactly the manner she is.... it will take her about 10 years (or more!) to take off that extra 125 pounds.

That is a LONG, LONG time when you are talking about your LIFE. It's an entire decade.

I have heard the argument "Well slow and steady is likely to have the bigger payoff of never putting the weight back on."

***NOT TRUE.***

It is simply NOT true. And anyone who believes that is fooling themselves.

That same friend I told you about? She broke up with her boyfriend 2 months ago. She has put back on 5 pounds of emotional eating. And if she continues this way, she will be right back where she was 2 years ago... or even heavier.

What keeps the weight off.... for people who take it off quickly or slowly... is the dedication AFTER the weight loss to keep up the healthier habits and lifestyle changes. THAT'S the key difference.

And that is where I know my true battle begins. Because so far, honestly, losing weight has been relatively easy. A lot easier than I thought, anyway!

Anyway going back to my own situation.... at 278 pounds, just going for a walk was a form of torture. So I opted for the diet route. I went to a doctor because I knew something like "Weight Watchers" would not work for me - I lacked willpower and I needed something a little more strict... at least initially. I knew what my strengths and weaknesses were, and a points system and going to group meetinsg was just not something I felt was right for me.

So far, I have had tremendous success with the medically supervised weight loss program I am on. To go from 268 pounds when I walked through the door November 9, to 177 pounds at my last weigh in... is pretty darn good! In under 7 months I have succeeded at shedding a LOT of weight.

And as I have decreased in size, my energy and my ability to do things has increased exponentially. Walking is NO problem. Heck, even running (albeit short distances) is NO problem. Being out in the heat is much less of a problem. I have mobility again. I didn't realize how much my mobility was being limited until the weight came off and I could do things I didn't realize I had lost the ability to do!

I admit I still struggle with my old ways. I became very sedentary and I still find myself having to push myself to get out the door and do something, but I DO it. Because though the old habit still lingers, the energy and mobility is the key difference. I actually have energy to do these things, and the mobility which makes it easy!!

While I still don't have a set exercise routine, I am taking steps every single day to increase my fitness level. And my husband pointed out to me, that even though I don't have a set exercise routine - I am now literally *chasing* after 3 kids... whereas prior to losing the weight I was only watching my 3 kids. So they do keep me busy.

But anyway, this post is long enough. I just want to put that out there for anyone who might be struggling with weight... or might be hesitating because the thought of running on a treadmill is exhausting.

There are many options out there. Do what works best for you and your situation. Nobody can tell you what that is. But whatever you do, make sure it is something you can stick to long-term, and resort back to if needed once your have achieved your weight loss goal.

Slow and steady may win the race for some, but others win their races by determination and going as fast and furious as they can. I don't believe there either of these methods is the wrong way. But you just have to go with the method that will work best for YOU.

Breaking up

So I went back to Sears today and I bought those size 10 shorts! I also bought the size 12 shorts, and will be wearing them until I feel a little more comfortable wearing a 10.

After a quick shop at Sears, I ventured down the mall a bit. I saw my old familiar "friend."  Except.... things weren't the same anymore. We didn't fit together anymore.

I'm sorry, Lane Bryant....

but our relationship is officially OVER.

A 10!? NO. WAY!!

So in late March, the weather was starting to get warmer (above 80).... so I needed to buy shorts. I've always been a jeans-and-tee-shirt kind of gal. And for years, I never wore shorts. EVER. When I reached my heaviest weight, I HAD to wear shorts because I could not stand the heat. I had NO tolerance whatsoever and even though I hated how my legs looked in shorts, I got to a point where I stopped caring about what others thought.

Anyway I had no shorts that fit me anymore. The shorts I wore in 2009 ranged between size 26W/28W and size 30W/32W. Most of 2010 was spent pregnant, and I owned a pair of 3X maternity shorts from Motherhood Maternity (I loved those by the way). So when I went to Sears, I tried on a 16. Not a 16W, but a 16. A regular "16." I was thrilled that they fit! I was ecstatic! I bought them.

2 months later, and a size "16" is falling off my butt!! Literally. I had to run after the post-lady the other day because I missed her and she was down the road. As I was wogging (walking and jogging combo .... yes, I created my own word lol) I had to pull up my pants and hold them up because they kept sagging off.

So today, I decided to venture to Sears again because their Levi shorts are currently on sale for $17.99. I love the Levi shorts I bought 2 months ago - I loved that they weren't long like bermuda shorts (which don't do me any favors in my quest to look "good!") and they weren't up-your-butt short. They're called mid-rise and they're the best ever!

Since I'm not sure what size I am, I picked up a 14P, 14, 12, 12P, and a 10.

.... Even writing that above sentence ... I still can't believe that I am the one writing this. Even in high school.... I was never below an 11. Junior sizes run differently so I was always between an 11 and a 13, but 9 out of 10 times I was a 13. When I started college, that's when I jumped from the 13 juniors to a 14 in Women's. At my smallest, I was an 11. And that was a very brief period of time.

Anyway so I get into the dressing room. The 14's were too big (though the 14P still didn't fit! I don't get it!?) So I tried on the 12's (forget the 12P) - and the 12 is very comfortable with plenty of room (most people would consider it to be too much room, but for me, wearing things big keeps me comfortable).

I looked at the 10's and thought "No way.... is it even possible?"

And I was shocked that not only is it possible, but it's real! I am a size 10! At least in the Levi's mid-rise 515 shorts! I think for now I'll still opt for the 12's, but to be able to fit into a 10.... are you kidding!? There was a period of time, NOT long ago at all, that I'd be hard-pressed to find a size 10 to fit around my LEG, let alone around my waist!!!!!

Levi's 515 Shorts, mid-rise

I decided to buy the size 10 and size 12. I also bought a sports bra to wear around the house because it's comfortable. My total came to just over $50. Right before I was about to swipe my card, I saw a flier to the left of me that said if I spend $50 or more on apparel TOMORROW, I can get a $10 gift card back (and the sale prices of today would still be valid tomorrow). UGH!!!

Needless to say, I am going to be heading back there tomorrow. I'm keeping my fingers crossed the shorts I wanted to buy are still there, because those were the only two I could find in "my" sizes!

And I'll end with a random vent: Why is it, that no matter WHAT size you are, it is always impossible to find clothes in your size!? If you're at the store, it is inevitable that the size you are looking for will be the only one NOT on the rack. I swear there is a conspiracy, LOL. (I kid).

A great day

Yesterday we took the kids to Busch Gardens after school. It was a perfect day for it! Sunny, not too humid, and the crowds weren't bad at all!

There was a time.... not too long ago, that I was scared I wouldn't be able to fit on "adult" rides.... let alone any children's rides!

There is an area in Busch Gardens called Jungala. It is where they house their tiger exhibits, and also a fun little area with splash pads, rope-courses, and two rides. One of those rides is "Jungle Flyers." The Busch Gardens website description states: "Young adventurers soar through the sky on this multi-level zip line with three different flight patterns above the tree tops."

This ride is intended for children age 13 and under - however, an adult may ride if accompanied by a child that fits the requirements. Even though the flyers are only a 1-person seat, two are launched together.

Please note this line:

Just a few months ago, I would not have been able to ride this ride with my son. He was thrilled when I said "Let's go!"

It was even more thrilling for me. So many people may not even give that line a second thought, but someone of size... or someone previously of size, this line means a lot.

For me to not have to worry that my weight was going to stop me from enjoying something with my son.... was an indescribable feeling! It felt even better when... just to be sure, I asked the attendant whether I could ride or not, and he scoffed and said "Of course!" When I looked at him sheepishly and said "Are you sure I'm not too big?," it felt amazing when he looked at me like I was crazy and said "You're not even near the weight limit! Hop on!!"

I did! And we "flew" several times, since there was no line! My son had a blast! And so did I. :)

Blog Failure 2009

Seeing this shows me just how "wrong" I had it. The last entry before I gave up on that blog, was May 2009. From there, I went on to gain more weight. By the time I went on my first cruise in November 2009, my weight fluctuated (daily!) between 278-283 pounds. On any given day!

Friday, May 1, 2009

"SETBACK"

So if I was starting to lose weight, yesterday might have set me back just a bit. I weighed myself earlier in the day and it was still at 274. Which (as awful as that weight is) - it's great that I hadn't gone UP. Especially because I was weighing myself mid-day, when I tend to weigh the most for some reason (usually been weighing myself at night, clothes off, etc).

I had a bad night last night. I ended up eating quite a bit. Probably a food-rampage of sorts. :( Hopefully it doesn't mess me up too much. But I'm not going to weigh myself for a few days, so that if I did put on a pound or two - I am giving myself a day or two to lose it!

Saturday, April 25, 2009

"1 more pound?"

 

Weight as of today: 274

.... is this for real? Am I really starting to lose this fast? One can hope.... and pray... and cross fingers and toes!!!

Friday, April 24, 2009

"And the braces are in.... one pound down!!"

I got my braces yesterday morning. They hurt like hell!!! But I'm hoping that it will be worthwhile - not just for my smile, but for my waistline too! I'm down one more pound, so a staggering 275 pounds is my current weight.

Seriously, at this rate, I don't see how I won't lose weight. I have clear braces on the top - I was told that using condiments like mustard, ketchup - can stain my bands (around the braces) - which would defeat the whole purpose of getting clear braces on top!! So that cuts out enjoying a ton of foods...

I cannot bite into things. That eliminates even more.

RIGHT NOW, I can barely chew! So that eliminates most things!!

Not to mention, the upkeep with braces is hard enough without having to pick SO much stuff out of your teeth. We'll see how I'm doing in 2 weeks or so - if I've lost anymore weight or not.

Current weight: 275

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

"Spacers Hurt!"

Well, here is some new news:
I'm getting braces!! Tomorrow morning I go in for the actual braces. For the past week, I have had the spacers in. Man, do they hurt!!! I have NO tolerance for pain whatsoever so this has been agony for me.

But on a positive note! I've dropped 2 pounds (gone, gone) and!!!----- my nails are growing! I've actually got nails growing! I never have nails - always bite them off. Nope, as I'm tip-tapping away at the keyboard, I can feel NAILS. I can't wait for them to grow even more and my hands start to look semi-pretty.

So now here's a good question that I will eventually find the answer to:
CAN BRACES MAKE YOU LOSE WEIGHT????

We shall see. I am hopeful!!! And I'm supposed to have them on for 12-18 months. So we shall see......

Thursday, March 12, 2009

"Bloated"

Feeling Bloated, 277.5 pounds. WTF.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

"Stupid scale"

So apparently my scale was off by about 10 pounds. Figures, lol. When it seems too good to be true, it usually is, right!? LOL.

CURRENT WEIGHT AS OF 3/7/09 - 271.5 POUNDS EWWWWW!

Ok, so I don't know if my scale has finally *had it* and decided to crap out on me or what? But I weighed myself today and I am currently at 261.5! Hardly something to brag about but IF that's my true number, then I've lost a few pounds between when I wrote this and now! That would be encouraging. I still don't think it's right. But maybe? That would be nice. We'll see. But for today, my scale tells me I'm 261.5. Hmmm..... "girl scout cookie diet...." HMMMM..... lol.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

"GIRL SCOUTS"

Girl Scouts are evil! Well ok, maybe they aren't, but their cookies are.

But mmm, they are soooo good.

I should not even be talking about them here, but I can't resist. My favorite is the Samoa. I used to be mad that they only come out once a year. But now I'm thankful - because if they were around all year, that would easily put me over the edge and into the role of "too fat to get out of bed!"

Samoas....mmmm.... a lil' piece of heaven for me.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

"I'll have some salad, diet coke... oh, and 4 slices of pizza too!"

Ugh, what a bad day in regards to "losing weight." Yeah, 4 slices of stuffed crust hawaiian Pizza Hut pizza is NOT going to help me do that. The fact that I had a salad and a diet coke doesn't really help balance that I had pizza, does it?! lol.

TONIGHT, I HEREBY DECLARE, that I AM SWEARING OFF ORDERING PIZZA!!!! PIZZA WILL NOT BE ALLOWED IN MY HOUSE! I MEAN IT! (And since I wrote it here, that's gotta mean something, right!?)

My husband and I have made that promise to one another. We will not tempt one another to eat pizza. Whether we crave it or not - it's not going to happen.

Pizza was a main food source in college. Before college, I wasn't even fond of the stuff! If I had a slice, that was enough for me. Then in college, it went up to 2 slices. Then 3 by junior year. By senior year, I could eat half a pizza and my boyfriend (who is now my husband) could eat the other 4. Yeah, it was BAD. I "credit" pizza for helping me gain weight.

Pizza is also the cause of a gallbladder attack that sent me "over the edge" - sent me to the ER and I needed to have a cholesystectomy (aka: gallbladder was removed). I should know that pizza is poisonous to me!

So I completely realized something else today. I'd seen it before, of course, but just hadn't really noticed until I had my husband take a picture of me because in a few days - I'm going to get my hair done and I wanted a "before" picture.

I will NEVER show that before (or probably the "after") picture.

I have MOON FACE. My face is completely rounded. And when I smile, my eyes seem to disappear into my fat face. I was once a good looking face. I even liked the way my face (never my body, I was always self-conscious) - looked in pictures. Even up to a few years ago, my face wasn't awful in pictures. Now it looks like the moon. Minus the craters, but I wouldn't go as far to say I'll never get them... because that's just my luck.

What else did I discover today? Oh, that if I sit down in front of people (which I had to do today) - if I don't have a pillow covering my front, I feel completely vulnerable. Not that the pillow is really hiding what's underneath, but for some reason, I felt that the pillow was my security today.

Ugh. I am rambling again. That's all I do... ramble. On and on and on!! Oh well, this is for me... not for anybody else. Although if you somehow stumble upon this.... and SOMEHOW find this interesting.. then that's fine. Maybe it's for you too. But primarily, I write for myself.

Enough with the rambling tonight.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

...And almost a year later....

And almost a year later, here I sit - on my still very large fat ass. I haven't done ANYTHING since I wrote that blog. Can I use the excuse I was on ambien when I wrote that blog? Ok, didn't think so.

I've ballooned even more since April. 278 was my weight a week ago. I'm currently at 275.5. I hardly consider 2.5 pounds any sort of weight loss, so I'm not even going to say I'm "down" to 275.5. How did this happen? No really - how did this happen? Besides the obvious answers... I have to ask myself, how could someone let themselves get to this size? HOW!?

I often wondered how people who were fat could live like that. I used to say to myself "Just put down the damn burger and get yourself a salad!" That takes a little something called will power - something that people who are hugely obese simply do not have. At least, I speak for myself, and I do not have willpower. Which is how I have found myself in this situation, essentially.

Almost a year later and I am UP in weight!? WTF is up with that!? Wasn't I supposed to be like, 50 pounds lighter by now!? With all that hard work and dedication I was going to put forth?

Pffffffffffftttt.

Willpower. No willpower.

Let me add something to the list of things that go wrong when you are enormously fat:
--- Your KNEES start to go bad.

This is one of those things that makes perfect sense. Of course your knees are bound to go bad after years of carrying around extra pounds. But I never thought it would happen to me (just as I thought getting this large would ever happen to me!!). But now I find that getting on my knees to do anything (get your mind out of the gutter, I mean LOOKING for things under couches, etc) - hurts like hell. It feels like I cracked my knee cap, and everytime I get on my knee the cracks get larger and spread out more.

So as a result, I have now resorted to asking my 4 year old son to look under the couch for me. I can still bend down and pick things up - but what, is that next!?



NO, I cannot let it be next!

Please GOD... please, anybody that has an extra prayer - please help me. I need help so bad. I know I've gotten myself into this mess, but I will do anything to get myself out of this mess!

Being fat, and staying fat, is a vicious cycle. It's a very difficult one to break. It's not as easy as "putting down the burger" - really, it's not. It might have been 100 pounds ago. But it's not that easy anymore.

So far I've done a few things that I am proud of (as little as it may sound to you, it's a big deal for me!)
1. No more ambien snacking. Anybody who takes ambien knows what I mean. I put locks on things now, and if I find that I MUST snack on something, it's only going to be a snack bag of carrots or a cucumber. Of course, if I can stick to this during the day, that would be great. But for now, I'm working the late-night snacking.

2. No more coca-cola! Coke is my addiction. I love it, and I need the caffeine. I've switched to diet coke, and I refuse to let any "regular" coke into my house again!! You figure a can of coke is 140 calories, and that's what, 16 oz? I can drink like 4 or 5 in a day. Now it's down to 0 calories. SO I'm saving myself a number of calories!

Ok, that's it for now.